10 Lessons From the First Few Months of Marriage

Marriage is a beautiful human relationship and like every human relationship, it has its peculiarities. Many christian singles tend to romanticize ideas about marriage or doing life with someone that might be Utopian or down right cataclysmic. 

But after being married for a few months, my wife and I believe that we can share some wisdom that might help birth the right expectations. 

Below are 10 lessons learned from the first few months of marriage:

1. Conflict is inevitable

It was such a shocker when the first session of marriage counseling was conflict resolution. If the session was not taken by a pastor with years of marital experience, we would have opted out. But when you start to do life with someone, you realize that conflict is inevitable and not necessarily a bad thing. 

Many christian singles tend to romanticize ideas about marriage or doing life with someone that might be Utopian or down right cataclysmic.  Share on X

If conflicts are handled properly they help deepen our understanding of our partners and help us realize areas where we need to improve or make compromises. So, prepare for the petty arguments and the more serious ones and learn to approach everyone with an open mind.

2. You don’t have to fight

While disagreement is inevitable, that doesn’t mean you have to pick a fight over every little disagreement. In fact, you can laugh over it. You don’t have to fight over the fact that you press your toothpaste in different ways, or over the fact that you have a disagreement on who should do what house chore. 

If conflicts are handled properly they help deepen our understanding of our partners and help us realize areas where we need to improve or make compromises. Share on X

We have had our fair share of fights, but in retrospect, most of those fights were completely pointless. We are learning to address disagreements in a more civil manner and without necessarily cutting the communication lines, as we have learned that that can have a negative impact on the marriage. Your first month (and year) of marriage does not have to be ‘hectic’.

3. Effective communication is vital 

Know when not to communicate, especially when an argument is becoming heated. Sometimes, just take a break and continue later. It is pointless to “communicate” when you both are in the heat of the moment, because your focus will start shifting to other things. Either choose to laugh when it is getting heated or just take a break and communicate later. 

Your first month (and year) of marriage does not have to be ‘hectic’. Share on X

For example, we almost started arguing during the process of coming up with the points for this piece. I (Ayo) looked at him, laughed and said, “we are about to argue over the communication point’. We just laughed and continued writing. Funny, right? But that is how many fights start. Learning to communicate effectively would save you from a lot of unnecessary squabbles.

4. You need guidance

You see that we already cited counseling. It helps to have positive influences to guide you as you take this journey. There is absolutely nothing new under the sun and the same is true in marriage. Wise counsel would save you from making costly mistakes. 

There is absolutely nothing new under the sun and the same is true in marriage. Wise counsel would save you from making costly mistakes.  Share on X

Accountability is a non negotiable in marriage. There must be someone or people who you submit to and are open to learn from. In our case we are so blessed to have a pastor who has a young marriage as well, it makes it easy for him to relate with many of our challenges and offer proper counsel.

5. Be open to learning

Having a great marriage takes a lot of dedication to learning. It would involve open mindedness on the part of both spouses. Although, there are lines to be drawn in your quest for knowledge (for example we do not subscribe to Christian couples watching pornography to learn about sex). 

You must be open to learn about things that are beneficial to the success of your marriage, things like – how to manage finances in marriage, how to have a vibrant and healthy sex life, how to build intimacy with your spouse e.t.c. by all means go for the good stuff. 

You must be open to learn about things that are beneficial to the success of your marriage, things like – how to manage finances in marriage, how to have a vibrant and healthy sex life, how to build intimacy with your spouse e.t.c. Share on X

In addition, read good books on marriage. Look for great content on marriage. As a married couple, there are some YouTube channels we recommend- The OhEMGees, Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo, The Kesenas, These Vows, Laju Iren, Akah and Claire, Keeping up with the Perrys e.t.c

6. Sex is GREAT, but greatly OVER EMPHASISED

Sex is really GREAT (Yeah we are screaming!). But as awesome as it is, I believe people have placed more premium on it than necessary. Most questions married people get about marriage typically center around sex. We promise you that sex won’t make up for up to 30% of what you would spend your time doing as a couple. 

In fact, if you do things the way the Bible prescribes that we should and don’t have any sex before marriage, you would find out that there is so much you need to learn and this learning process will take a lifetime. To be honest this was our story, we did not hit it off sexually immediately. 

Most questions married people get about marriage typically center around sex. We promise you that sex won’t make up for up to 30% of what you would spend your time doing as a couple. Share on X

We had to grow into getting used to seeing each other naked, trying out different positions and generally asking questions. And we discovered  that sex in marriage is an adventure. This is why the current trend and advocacy for testing sexual compatibility outside the confines of marriage is not only unscriptural, but unnecessary. 

You actually take away all the fun that comes with exploring each other’s bodies, within the safe space that is marriage.

7. Leave room for the Holy Spirit in your marriage

You must have times of devotion together as a couple. It would do your marriage a lot of good when you build a structure of prayer and bible study. This point doesn’t really need to be stated to Christian couples (Duh you both are Christians). But there is the subtle tendency for each partner to go solo in their Christian devotion, to the extent that they don’t even realize when the other partner is lagging behind. 

There is the subtle tendency for each partner to go solo in their Christian devotion, to the extent that they don’t even realize when the other partner is lagging behind.  Share on X

The beauty of marriage is that when both parties come together, they should create a stronger force. So, make sure you both pray together and discuss the word of God. Leave room for the leading of the Spirit in your marriage. 

We are learning to appreciate the times we get to spend time in prayer and also discuss scripture. It is so amazing to talk about God with your spouse.

8. Avoid external pressure 

Speaking from the Nigerian perspective, it is possible for you to allow so much external involvement in your marriage that it causes a strain on a fledgling relationship. 

Please this point should not be misconstrued. I know most of our parents, siblings, uncles and aunties want the best for us but many times the manner at which the expectations from these external parties are communicated can put so much pressure on a young couple. 

Most of our parents, siblings, uncles and aunties want the best for us but many times the manner at which the expectations from these external parties are communicated can put so much pressure on a young couple.  Share on X

As important as it is to receive wise counsel, your decisions as a couple must be respected. This is something that we have had to insist on in our marriage.

9. Set boundaries

Yes, there are boundaries to be set in marriage as well. You must agree on the words to never use on each other. Physical assault of any kind should be a capital NO. Also, boundaries must be set for external parties as well. It is important to clarify who a couple should or should not discuss family issues with. 

We have set a boundary that states that no abusive language must be used in our communications. So, no matter the provocation, we must not resort to making derogatory comments at each other. Also, we do not subscribe to the concept of an open marriage, our marriage is completely closed.

Yes, there are boundaries to be set in marriage as well. You must agree on the words to never use on each other. Physical assault of any kind should be a capital NO. Share on X

Hence, we do not give room for third parties (side chicks, side boys, threesomes, sexual orgies, foursomes, sex toys, pornography, etc). Setting these boundaries help to create order and to restore order when the boundaries are crossed. 

10. Be intentional about building Intimacy in your first few months of marriage

Make sure you don’t get so carried away with other things that you forget to spend quality time together. Make sure you gist (gossip) a lot. Find points of interest- music, TV shows, books e.t.c. The rule of thumb is that your spouse should be your best friend, that means that effort must go into building a strong friendship. 

Laugh together and enjoy the ride, because it is a really long one. We are learning daily to prioritize spending quality time with each other.

The rule of thumb is that your spouse should be your best friend, that means that effort must go into building a strong friendship. Share on X

Our fellow married people, what points did we leave out? Let us know in the comments section. To our single brethren, we hope this helped.

You can also read “Choice of a Marriage Partner: God’s Role or Man’s Will?” if you’re contemplating getting married or not. 

Written by David & Anthonia Egwede