10 Years With Pornography; The Battle I Never Won


This room even though neat must always be swept mtchewww. Why are these ones kept separately ? Uncle bonny even instructs you, use vegetable oil to clean the wooden dinning so it will shine well, that’s how meticulous He can be so why is this here? Well…Nna him sabi. Take it shey? You asked what it is. What’s the title? “Pirates,” he replied with a smile. Ok thank you. You remember that feeling you get when you discover you had the wrong thing ? Yea……  Happily I slotted it in to my surprise is was not Jack sparrow. After the first glimpse it was like remembering that favourite Xmas the images kept coming back It was a frustrating sanitation and there it was, I will get to the root of this I said as I became an airline conveying it to the DVD slot and ……gan gan !

My Cell

Things didn’t remain the same after that first look it kept coming back and the more it came the more deep i went i remember climbing into the ceiling to recover some hidden parcel. I knew the sites and stars by heart. There was now hardly a day i could go without a moment in my Cell.

1st January 2011 new year eve party had just ended and men I was practically sleep-walking. A new year with new resolutions and admission list  just came out…I stood there for over 40 mins waiting before she walked across to me.

Hi, Hi. “Why are You running from God?” she asked.

My heart raced a bit…. I don’t understand you, what do you mean? I replied. She said some stuff but the above I could only remember. My mission to the hostel was truncated as I returned home with 21 questions. I finally realised He was reaching out to me. June 8


If any man be in christ old things are pasted away right ? But the reverse was the case. It continued but I was born again seeking God with tears in my eyes, regrets after regrets vows after vows 10 rules after 10 rules and still…..nothing.

Its part of me I guess I just have to live with it because every attempt has failed.”

Fasting and praying was no Good. Penance…. Laughs that made things worst. I was in church But still I was in my cell Tired worn.


It was like I was hearing it for the first time. As I read it tears rolled and the healing began.

Come unto me all ye that labour and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your souls. I will have mercy and not sacrifice.

It was a discovery of a lifetime one of love and its true nature one of understanding what the blood was made for then I remembered Bro Gbile Akanni saying “…only the blood can wash away sin, even the largest guilt can’t“. It was as though I was an unfaithful lover who was looked straight in the eyes and told I LOVE YOU even when caught in the act.

Smiles ??

There are battles you will never win not because you are weak but because you were never meant to win them on your own. Did God really make us weak? Well…that is a talk for another day. But one sure thing is……. There are no 101 steps out of this battle because you can’t fight it. When you come to the end of you then the victory begins.


Arihilam Francis

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This is the ninth episode of DAMAGED; Hope it helps someone. If God could help Frank, He can help you out as well. 

kindly share on your Facebook, Twitter…let someone who needs it see it. 



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We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Send a mail to Your identity will be kept confidential, except you state otherwise.

Other related posts you’ll also find helpful;

SHADOWS (Story Series)
Diary of a Dark Horse: My 10 Years Struggle with Pornography
Lecrae’s Confession: Good, Bad, Ugly

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About author


Tolulope Oludapo is a young Christian who lends his voice through the media by sharing practical wisdom for everyday living in the most experiential and simplified fashion. This has fetched him the direct followership of over 30,000 users on his blog, A blog he founded. He loves to write on varying subjects that affect life, faith, relationship...everyday living.
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