It is very important for everyone to learn about these 4 things to (not) say to hurting people in order to prevent further damage. Because of the delicateness of their situation, we need to think carefully about our words before they are uttered.
If you are interested in growing in this area, here are 4 things to (not) say to hurting people:
It is very important for everyone to learn about things to (not) say to hurting people in order to prevent further damage. Click To Tweet1. Don’t Tell Hurting People How to Grieve or How Long They Should Grieve
A good number of people are fond of this and it’s quite insensitive and annoying! The time of loss doesn’t necessarily determine the period of grief, for example. Telling someone, “it’s been months” or “it’s been years since this person died”, “don’t you think you should be over it by now?” is insensitive.
You don’t know what they are going through; you have no right to dictate a person’s grieving period. They are hurting! All you should do as a person or a friend or family, is try to offer spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological support. Sometimes, all you can be is a shoulder to cry on and that’s okay. If the person decides to celebrate the birthday of the deceased, let him or her do it.
If the person refuses to let go of deceased properties, respect their decision. Don’t force them to lose memories of their loved one. From what I’ve observed, one of their greatest fear is losing memories of this person, so just let them hold on to memories if that’s what they wants. If they wants to cry, let them cry. Just don’t let them hurt themselves in the process. Saying things like “life goes on” in a bid to stop their tears may not be the right thing to say at that point.
Telling someone, "it's been months" or "it's been years since this person died", "don't you think you should be over it by now?" is insensitive. Click To TweetFrom experience, the pain of losing a loved one is one that never heals completely because you keep seeing or encountering things that reminds you of them that just leaves a painful longing that can never be satisfied. You might think you’ve healed completely until you’re reminded of them once again and then you begin go to grieve all over again.
2. Apologize with Sincerity When You Hurt People’s Feelings
Friends are guilty of this to be honest. I’m not a saint myself on this matter. It is something we are fond of doing. When you hurt your friend’s feelings whether by something you said or did and they inform you about it, please try to apologize with sincerity.
Hurting people (whether friend or foe) don’t care for statements like “was I not playing?”, “Why are you now angry?”, “Nawa for you ooo”, and so on. By so doing, you are invalidating their feelings even if that was not your intention. You may not understand why they feel that way or you probably won’t be angry or hurt if you were in their shoes, but understand that people feel things differently. You need to realise that some people are more sensitive than others.
3. Stop Saying “I Told You So!” to Hurting People
I decided to use this heading because I didn’t know how else to put it. Let me explain: So I make a mistake that costs me dearly, and I decide to tell my friend. Then my friend starts telling me all what I should have done to prevent the mistake from happening, or starts reminding me of her telling me not to do it. Okay what’s the point? It has happened. I’ve made the mistake, I’m in trouble and suffering the consequences of my mistake. Please don’t tell me what I should have done to prevent the mistake from happening because it has already happened.
When you hurt your friend's feelings whether by something you said or did and they inform you about it, please try to apologize with sincerity. Don't make statements like "was I not playing?" Click To TweetI’m telling you about the situation because I expect a solution or a consolation from you. I don’t want you to reprimand me by reminding me of my mistake. I would like you to advice me on what to do now that I’m in trouble.
This example is probably more personal than general because I hate it when people tell me the things I should have done to prevent a bad situation from happening. It has already happened, advising me on what I should have done in the past in the present is pointless.
If you’re going to advice me, give me advice for the future. I would prefer an advice like “Okay now that this has happened, and you have realised your mistake, this, this and this is what you should do to handle the situation at hand.”
At the end of the day, people need a solution, not a reminder that they caused the mess in the first place.
4. Stop saying “It’s not that Deep”
This is also very common and popular. It is sort of like No. 2 but in this case, you are not the offender.
Let’s consider this scenario: A friend informs you of a hurtful thing done towards them and then you respond with “it’s not that deep na”. Maybe it’s truly not that deep to you but IT IS to your friend. If it’s not that deep, why would they be telling you?
This doesn’t only apply to emotional hurt, it applies to physical hurt too. Being a medical student, I have come to understand that the perception of pain differs from one person to another. What one person rates as 5/10, another person might rate it as 7/10. It doesn’t mean they are exaggerating or lying. Some hurting people can withstand pain, while others can’t.
These are the few things I came up with with regards to our subject matter. At the end of the day, we should always pay attention to the nudges of the Holy Spirit when it comes to the things we say to people who are hurting. I’m certain that the Holy Spirit nudges us when we’re about to say something insensitive but it’s either we ignore Him or we don’t pay attention at all.
At the end of the day, we should always pay attention to the nudges of the Holy Spirit when it comes to the things we say to people who are hurting. Click To TweetPlease think about the effect of your words before saying them. Sometimes, it’s best to not say anything than to say something insensitive.
Are there other things we should (not) say to hurting people? Please comment below.
Did you enjoy this article? You can also read: Six Ways You can Help a Hurting Loved One or Handling Hurt and Dealing With Pain (Especially When the Church is Involved)
Written by: Sotonwa Success
