Dear Husbands…

This post has been on my mind for a long time and I think it’s time to write it. This one is tailored towards the men but, it doesn’t mean the ladies cannot read it also. Let me make this clear, I am not a feminist, I have never really subscribed to the modern practices of feminism.  It’s not like I am against all that they stand for, I do believe that the people who started the movement had good intentions but, things have gone too far. Anyway, the discussion on feminism can wait for another day. I just thought I should make that clear.

A while back, my little brother was washing the dishes (none too happily of course). My cousin (who was visiting), in a bid to offer comfort, said to my brother: don’t worry, in a few more years,  you will get married and then you wouldn’t have to do the dishes anymore. At those words, I didn’t even realize when I said; ehn…he will be washing plates after he is married because he is not getting married to a maid. Even my brother was saying the same thing (having 4 older sisters who constantly drum such beliefs into your head can do that to you).

Then my cousin – who is very traditional by the way – started a whole tirade about how educated women have forgotten their place and so on. I am not going to bore you with the whole conversation and quite frankly, I cannot remember all of it.  I will just give you some salient points that were made.

  1. It is unrealistic and unfair for men to think that their wives in this modern day, should do all the housework just because that is how their mothers and grandmothers did it. See, we all know the struggle of making ends meet in this generation. This has translated to the fact that the woman has to join her husband to be the provider. Which means that she goes to work in the morning and comes back tired in the evening. That is half of the day gone, please how is she expected after that to now come and face house chores alone? Habba.
  2. Some people might want to argue that taking care of the home is a woman’s job. I quite agree and I don’t dispute that. However, let me put it to you that providing for the home is a man’s job. Therefore, if a woman will share the role of providing with her husband, isn’t it only fair that the man should share her roles with her too?
  3. Many of our men profess that they will love us forever. I believe that one of the practical expressions of love is sharing one another’s burdens.  If your wife is so tired from work and yet she has to immediately go to the kitchen and get your lordship something to eat, tend to the children, wash their clothes, clean the house etc. While you stay there doing nothing but watching TV or resting. You are tired abi? Because you went to work all day? And she didn’t go ba? She is a robot so she can’t be tired right? Yet you people will always say women are the weaker vessels. If that is so, who is supposed to be more tired? Please, how can you say you love her? After all, actions speak louder than words.
  4. This brings me to my last and final point. Many people complain that they drift apart and they don’t know each other anymore. How can you know each other? When your wife spends all day in the kitchen and it is a taboo for you to go there. I mean, what will your mother, sisters, and friends say if they come and see you in the kitchen? A whole you, Prince?

My brother, the Holy Spirit ministered this to me one day, “The best way to know each other better is to spend time with each other”. It is only logical that if she is always in the kitchen, that should be your meeting point. If you are never there, not even to give moral support, what time will you have together? You don’t even eat together to make up for lost time. When she serves your food, she quickly goes back to clean up so she doesn’t have to do that in the dead of night. Especially since you don’t like waking up to dirty dishes in your house. When she comes out, she is too tired to utter any words. Both of you can’t gist.

In the morning,  she bathes the children,  makes their food and yours (both breakfast and lunch), all you do is take your bath. Then the cycle continues through the day. Later you will say, my wife has changed o. She ties wrapper all over the house, she doesn’t dress up for me or talk to me. My brother, she is too tired to make the effort!

My mom said something and I will end with that. There are many things that you can never help a woman with, some of which are; carrying pregnancy, changes in the body during and after pregnancy, breastfeeding etc. Therefore, the one you can help her with i.e. house chores, how about doing that?

I know a helping husband is a privilege, but it is one that your wife should enjoy daily. It doesn’t make you less, but more of a man in the eyes of your family when you do this.  It will make them respect you. I am saying this from experience because my dad helps, he even washes plates and fetches water (you are shocked abi). Especially when he sees how tired we are, and how hard we have worked, and we respect and love him for it.

When I said this to someone, the person said,  it is because he is not busy. Let me let you know. He is one of the most hardworking people I know. He is a pastor – not the kind that sits in his house, but the kind that visits members as needed (rich and poor). Which means he has no closing time. Take a cue from this.

My cousin learned a thing or two from these, I hope you do too.

These are a few of my thoughts, let me know what you think in the comments – I will read them. There might be a part 2 because I am very passionate about things like this.

Miss Anonymous

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