If you have followed the series DAMAGED on this blog, you would have come to realise that almost everyone has something ugly in their past, although how severe that ugly past may vary from one person to another.
But take for instance a lady that has had a pretty rough and dirty past, with several past relationships, sex partners or even worse, say an irrevocable dent on/in her…Will you advice that she lets her next boyfriend know about all of her past, considering the fact that the past is literally past, though some people believe that the past is never really past? (This is not limited to ladies alone)
Should partners tell each other about their dirty/terrible past?
If yes, why, at what stage of their relationship, to what depth should they tell? If no, why?
I’m waiting for our sincere, real and practicable opinion, probably with a bit of past experience on this. Feel free to comment as anonymous if need be, and remember that we are not to argue opinions here.
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I think partners should be able to tell each other about their dirty past because by knowing who the person was and who he/she has become would help to deepen the understanding between both of you. Keeping secrets in a relationship would just be like wearing a mask, pretending to be who you are not. Everything should be placed on the table so there won’t be any room for acting. Even as we try to be open, we should always ask God for His wisdom to do it the best way. The earlier the better.
yes but wisdom trust, openness,maturity understanding and time which will test d partner must come to play.
Tolu well done for the good job
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Yes and yes! I’ll share my quote: “The only thing that can reveal the depths of your soul to your partner in a relationship or marriage isn’t sex but COMMUNICATION. A few words spoken can reveal far more about you than a thousand years of sex would. To keep communication alive, is to keep your relationship alive.” I believe any one that can’t accept the partners past, is not meant to go into the partners future
To be honest keep your past as what it is “your past”.My relationship of over a year just ended because I opened up to him about my past.We had a misunderstanding and he linked it to what has happened in my past.At first he told me to be honest with him and tell him everything,now that I’ve told him and we had this misunderstanding he has used it against me and ended the relationshop on that ground.SO PLEASE KEEP YOUR PAST TO YOURSELVE
My Dear, that guy wasn’t for you and that’s why he couldn’t accept your past. It’s important to let your partner in on your past, but it’s necessary to apply wisdom in the timing. Let him/her know your past before marriage. If they can accept it, good. If they can’t, please wait for someone who would.
A problem with people is dat we romanticise our past. Oh yes. It influences our future bt it doesn’t dictate it. Wen one has a bad past its not d centre of ur lyf. now u know berra nd ve dropped childish tins as u become older. D issue is people are embarrassed of who dey were at d expense of forgetting who dey ve become. D stigma nd shame of d past still lingers.
Wen in d early stage of ur relationship ur partner met d new u obviously. If u were not asked of ur former lifestyles it wud be inappropriate to explain dat cos ur partner may not be matured to understand.
Also u shud not hide anytin bt in dis case u re not. U shudn’t lie wen asked questions bcos ur partner is meant to appreciate u in ur gd tyms nd accept u in da oda wise.
Therefore, I’m saying if u re asked tell him or her bt make sure ur actions show u re wiser now.
Also if u re not asked nd u bliv if in d shoes of ur partner u wudn’t want a secret to be kept from u den u shud clear ur conscience.
D problem is not about telling ur partner ur secret. People re more bothered about validation nd feel dey re not gd enough.
My take is d only reason u shud tell ur partner ur past is if u re asked or u re in an exclusive relationship nd u strictly uphold openness.
I believe partners should, but they must get the timing right, it should be in the middle of a serious relationship, not in the beginning.
I may sound odd but, Remember: There is no future without past, moreso our today is a function of yesterday, we are all human, we relate things to the past one way or the other, there are some who have got it wrong all in the name of openess… If you have a horrible past forgive yourself and forget about it, you don’t know the mind of who you are sharing the past with forget the fact that you are in a relationship with him or her (you only know who you love, you don’t know who loves you). Keep your past in the PAST, don’t bring it to PRESENT
I blve if the relationship is headin towards marriage den says ur past wiv discretion! Humans will always b humans.
I think for sure that partners ought to share everything about themselves between themselves. It’s part of being transparent and leaving nothing to chance between someone you want to spend life with. And of course, the recipient of that kind of information, if he/she loves you, it would be something the person would only use to encourage you, not hold against you. Btw, this is only possible in a serious relationship not a trial version kind.
I’m just gonna say no matter how hard it seems, it’s better to tell the person. It’s like building another relationship on a landfill, there are gases under building pressure….u never just know when there will be an outburst due to things you ve kept to urself? Besides what happened when ur partner finds out? The reason why most people won’t want to share their past is because they are not sure how their partner will take it, but if you are In a serious relationship, the person should understand…it’s just knowing when to talk to the person, besides the person should be your “G” so u should know the persons mood and when to talk.
*happens….auto correct
Honestly, telling ur partner about ur past is sumfin gud and very dangerous. Really depends on lotz. It has broken homes and relationships
Beta a broken relationship than a broken home.. I say tell dem ur past.. if they cnt take it den dey are not worthy of u. Dere is someone who will take all of u irrespective of your flaws.. However try avoiding making more mistakes and adding to your “Past”
I suppose u let ur partner in only wen u r sure u re in a concrete relationship headed somewhere n nt a superficial one or jst a fluke.
But come to think of it, if God has already forgiven me of my past and has also forgotten about it, because God forgives and forgets, then what’s the point bringing back what God has already forgotten about? To me, I feel you should just keep it and let it go, don’t tell any1 about it again.
Summarise your past when speaking…and leave the details to God only He can handle the details.
You can only go into details if u think its ideally necssary.
Better to have a broken relatnship than a broken marriage. Mind u, details imprint pictures and cud build emotions.
NEWS IN BRIEF, HEADLINES ONLY.
Anything that is important enough to cause tension later, anything u are ‘afraid’ of telling, anything you would be angry to discover on ur own if you were in ur partner’s shoes MUST be told… Not telling bcos u think the person might react badly means u are deceiving the person into continuing the relationship. Transparency is key because the longer a secret is kept (after getting into a serious relationship or marriage), the more grevious its revelation is. IT IS NOT EASY, but you can receive grace to do it, and like Esther before the King, pray b4 revealing so God helps the person to receive it properly.
Timing is also very important, let the Holy Ghost lead u… But as much as possible, it must be revealed before marriage (and not a day or a week to marriage oo), so the person doesn’t feel trapped.
Hmm. This one is strong oo.
Some people have said the past shouldn’t be brought into the future but there are some depths of one’s past that can never be left ignored. Why? It may come up about 10 to even 30 years after getting married and end the marriage. I wish I could give instances.
And concerning when in a relationship you do so, that’s another issue also because you could open up to your partner and if the relationship ends, he/she starts gossiping about that past.
It just takes maturity (like I’m sure it’s not the first time someone had that occur in his/her life) of both partners to actually open up about their past and then act like that past never happened (you should read Joshua Harris’ book). Once again, it’s tough depending on how the past is but it’s better said possibly before partners are engaged.
Tell only when asked cos some partners really dont care about past life.