Forgiveness, they tell you, is for yourself- not for the other person, true! I agree, but nobody tells you about how painful the reoccurring journey to forgiveness can be. I used to think that if I just say to myself ‘I forgive so and so’, automatically resentment and all its family members leave me in peace.
Let me tell you about one of my ‘forgiveness’ journeys:
A few years ago, someone I held in very high regard hurt me badly. My first reaction was silence, then I doubted if it happened; then I got angry with myself for not seeing it before it happened- let me not bore you, you most likely already know the curve. Remember I said someone I looked up to- so somehow, we still had to be in the same meetings. Sometimes, I had to listen to Him speak and not throw up out of irritation. Life moved on because time has a way of changing things- although its effect does not happen in our hearts automatically.
Soon proximity was no longer an issue, I was not seeing Him anymore. By the way, I knew I had to forgive Him- not just because it was good for me but because forgiveness is a command for an effective love walk. I had gotten to the point where I cried and prayed about it and moved on- or so I thought.
Few months ago, I noticed that anytime my Instagram feed brought a picture or something concerning this person, I felt so irritated- so much that I could be scrolling through IG, see his post, and become sour for the rest of the day. At first, I could not place what it was. It happened a few times and I excused it- until one day, a friend asked ‘have you forgiven …?’ I was truthful to say ‘I used to think I have but now, I am not sure’. I knew I had to sit with God and have this conversation again.
‘Father, I really don’t know but I thought I had moved on but I don’t get this thing brewing in my heart every time I see anything relating to Him’, I lamented. Make no mistake- I did not have this conversation with dry eyes. My heart was tearing apart because I had to revisit a dark alley in my heart. This one conversation became a catalyst to a new forgiveness journey.
I got over it and could peacefully go through my Instagram feed without feeling sour- regardless of if I saw my ‘Trigger’ or not. Recently again, I noticed that any time I see his picture, my head goes ’what does He have to say? How can he say so after what he did?’ I know that just as my sins are forgiven, his are too. I also know that there is no measuring scale for worse or mild sin. Why then do I have to walk this forgiveness path over and over again?
This evening I thought about it. My heart found solace in the fact that ‘forgiveness is a God action so you would need to trust Him to walk in it’. When you first learn about a‘verb’, they tell you it is a ‘doing’ (action) word. Well, yes, forgiveness is a doing word – since it is a God idea, I can’t possibly do it myself. Good enough, He is always willing to comfort and walk me through the hard curve of this journey.
Writing this was really hard but I feel someone needs it to navigate his/her own journey. I am learning every day to trust God again and again to forgive. I hope you find the courage to trust God to help you in this forgiveness journey- even if the person you need to forgive is yourself. When you have to do it multiple times, do not give up because forgiveness is a doing word.I am learning to trust God again and again to forgive. I hope you find the courage to trust God to help you in this forgiveness journey. When you have to do it multiple times, do not give up because forgiveness is a doing word. Click To Tweet
If you need help, as we all do, talk to someone who can help. Don’t keep quiet!
I encourage you to come on a forgiveness journey with me. You can do this!Forgiveness, they tell you, is for yourself- not for the other person, true! I agree, but nobody tells you about how painful the reoccurring journey to forgiveness can be. Click To Tweet