FINDING ME: Episode 7

finding me
While we watched Scandal, I continued to pray in my spirit that God would take control of things between dad and mum. I sense Joke was doing the same. I believed that God would do it;
He would give them the grace to forgive each other and look beyond the hurt.
Grace to remember their vows.
He would give them the strength to pull through. I strongly believed so.
I couldn’t even concentrate on Scandal anymore. Olivia Pope’s romantic relationship with the President of the United States didn’t seem to me like the ideal relationship. What’s the point- sleeping with someone else’s husband? He would never leave his wife for her…But it seems some people just love adventure and crazy stuff… I do not like drama.
Especially relationship drama…
Suddenly, we heard a knock on the door.
It was mum and dad.
They came in, holding hands. I smiled, while Joke held my hand tightly. They sat on the bed. I was waiting eagerly for them to speak.
“Your mum and I have decided to make it work”
‘Thank You Jesus’ was all I could whisper.
“Yes”, mum said, as she held his hand and smiled. She looked so…happy…and at peace. I was going to cry but I decided not to….
We all then decided to go on a family treat. Dad took us to KFC where we had chicken and chips, along with burger and a cup of coke each. It was amazing, an amazing time with family. I wouldn’t trade it for…
And my phone began to ring. I looked at the caller ID. Kingsley. I excused myself and went into the toilet.
“Baby”, I said with a smile on my face. “You won’t believe…”
“Anike how are you?” He cut in
That was very strange. Over the past six months, we had been cool- with not seeing frequently, and not calling each other almost all the time. We had been cool with “no pressure for commitment”. He never cut in on my conversations with him.
“I’m fine…” I stuttered. “Kingsley, what is wrong?”
“Does something have to be wrong, Anike?”
“No”, I replied. Just want to be sure you are alright”.
“I am, Anike, I really am”
I was not exactly happy with the tone. If he was angry or he was having his period (LOL), why did he call me? I was happy here…And he ruined it…

..The joy of the Lord is your strength

..And Deitrick Haddon’s song began to play in my head. I didn’t want to get angry, honestly. I just didn’t like the fact that he would talk to me anyhow and think he could get away with it- without apologizing. He always had an answer to almost everything. Couldn’t he just apologize for once?

Judge not….

I sighed, and went back into the restaurant.
I decided to pay him a visit the next day (unexpectedly).  Got to his house, and then I was told he was not around. I met his dad though. His dad seemed pleased to see me… I wasn’t sure. Anyway, I was almost tempted to call and scream at him. But then again, he had a life…I didn’t. Or rather, he had a life outside me; I had no life outside him. I went back home, feeling dejected and sad.
Later in the evening as I was plaiting mum’s hair, he called me. I smiled; I kind of hoped he would call back, and oops! He did!
“Anike, why would you drop by the house without letting me know?”
“My dad was angry that I would allow a girl come over without his permission. Are you trying to ruin my life? My dad doesn’t like female visitors”, he said ….unreservedly.
“I am sorry”, I replied, ad tears streamed down from my face. “Forgive me; I just wanted to surprise you”.
“That is not good enough, Anike, not good enough. “
“I said I am sorry, Kingsley”, as I cleaned my face. Mum looked worried. I was tired, frankly of the relationship. The issue with me was that I always thought the guy had to do something wrong before a break up could happen. But I… was tired.
I felt choked and pressured to conform all at the same time. Just wanted out, and I sensed he was tired too. I just would have loved him to say so instead of putting my emotions on a roller coaster.
“Its fine, we’ll talk later” He replied like he wanted to get off the phone fast. Like I was irritating the life out of him…
“Okay Bye”, I said, quietly.
“Bye…” he replied, and he hung up.
It had been a while he told me he loved me though. We never used to say “bye” to each other. For us, “byes” were for “endings”…. Was this a sign that the relationship was ending?
I continued plaiting mum’s hair as thoughts began to cross my mind.
“You want to talk about it?” Mum asked.
I sat down, facing her almost immediately.
“Mum, I am tired of the relationship, and I feel bad that I am tired. When things are going worng, I am supposed to stay strong for him, but I want to chicken out instead. I feel like a coward, mum”
“Anike, do you love him?”
I couldn’t reply that question. All of a sudden, I wondered what love really was.
“Mum, I think I do”.
“He loves the Lord. He is ambitious, resourceful, and loyal to a fault, he will never cheat on me, and he loves me too. Just has his moments”
“Anike, it’s possible you love him, and it’s possible you still are tired of the relationship. Relationships have a way of zapping energy; you have to have a powerhouse where you get your energy from. You can’t give what you don’t have my dear”.
“Mum”, I stuttered. “Where is my power house?”
“You power house is in God, Anike. Once your spiritual life is shaky, it affects all other areas of your life. If not being in a relationship for now will put your life in perspective, then so be it, Anike…”
“Mum, I don’t want him to think I do not love him”
Mum smiled. “Even if you love him, he will never know how much, because he cannot read your heart. It is only the ones we love that we know. We can hardly know the ones who love us.”
Mum stood up as she heard dad’s horn. “We’ll continue this chat later baby”, she said as she stroke my hair tenderly. “You owe it to yourself to be satisfied and happy, Anike. If you love Kingsley like you say you do, listen to what he’s not saying. At the same time, be discerning. If Christ comes now, what would be the point of the relationship if either of you goes to hell fire?”
I never saw it that way. I never even thought of hell fire, talkless of…

Anike, do you think of Me?

“I’ll think about it, mum”
“Love is not selfish, baby. You love Kingsley, and that is good. But you will be selfish if all you think about is what he will think of you, or what people will think of you. What does he want…?”
Dad came in almost immediately, and they kissed and went inside- after she winked at me and after dad stroke my hair. I could hear their giggles and small chit-chats. It was good to see them happy.
‘Lord’, I thought to myself. ‘I don’t know what to do’

Seek Me first

I love Kingsley Lord, and …

Love is not self-seeking

I began to really think. Was I being selfish? Was I being self-seeking by holding on to something Kingsley was apparently tired of? I wanted him to initiate the break up, not me… then I remembered mum’s words.

You owe it to yourself to be happy…’

I slumped on the chair and began to weep silently.

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…to be continued, Fri 17th Oct


Episode 6 HERE

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Written by Oyinkansola Ige

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Posting by 3pm: What do I do if I have been sexually abused? You don’t want to miss it, it might help you or someone you know.

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About author


Tolulope Oludapo is a young Christian who lends his voice through the media by sharing practical wisdom for everyday living in the most experiential and simplified fashion. This has fetched him the direct followership of over 30,000 users on his blog, lifegiva.com. A blog he founded. He loves to write on varying subjects that affect life, faith, relationship...everyday living.
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