Going through a break up after I placed faith in Jesus was not an expected form of pain for me. I mean, it wasn’t like I expected life to be a bed of roses or for everything to be handed down to me. It was difficult for a number of reasons:
- I prayed before saying yes to the person and I was convinced that if we stuck together, we would work out. Though, this isn’t a bad thing, I didn’t fully understand that it takes two (plus God) to make a relationship work, and also, that I had no control over another person’s actions; we all have free will.
- I had spent 15 years of my life searching for love in many things, including guys. I spent those years in pain, confusion, rejection (which cannot be compared with the treasure I have in Christ). Hence, I couldn’t reconcile the pain I felt with the joy I had in Christ.
It was a difficult but amazing journey. The break up happened officially (I say officially because there was a 10-day “transition” period) on the 24th of July and I didn’t have any reaction until September 9th. I thought I was fine- we were still talking a lot (like every day), and we spiritualized things. He told me on that day, that he had developed feelings for another lady.
“Aah!” My heart screamed. Everything just seemed to pause.
It dawned on me that we had really broken up.
I was in denial for two months.
That’s how my healing journey began. I think another reason it was really hard was because of my rough life before Christ. I had to confront the things I was scared of; it was a testing ground to also see if I really believed what I said I did- that God defines my worth, not me, anyone or anything else.
I decided it was time to cut off. I told him not to contact me until further further, really further (emphasis intended) notice. Okay, it was a ‘2-month non-communication’ stuff. I insisted that if he tried reaching me, I would block him. After a few days, I couldn’t bear seeing notifications of him on my social media platforms so I blocked him on all platforms. I know I could have gone offline but that wasn’t what I needed, I needed to be online to connect with my friends and also have access to helpful resources so I wouldn’t drown in the pain.
I felt sad, angry, betrayed. I cried lots of tears. I could feel the pain literally- not just figuratively- in my chest. One night, as I was praying, God told me to pray for him (ex-boyfriend) and that some things he was working on, to go smoothly.
“What?! You want me to spend my precious time praying for someone who I’m sure isn’t spending one minute of prayer for me?”
I protested. It seemed unfair. It caused more tears and pain but I did it anyway. It started with 10 seconds mutterings, to long minutes of prayer. It didn’t take time, I actually began to feel like I could express more love for him (agape love please).
In that period, I decided that I was going to journal every day of my journey. It helped me note my progress and also everything that was happening to me in that period. The purpose of the no-communication was to find clarity for my confused state and to really understand what I was feeling; talking to him constantly would have hindered that.
After three weeks, I felt like God told me to put an end to the non-communication. I felt peace in my heart about it. Trust me, it was a great risk- not because I was missing him. I just wanted to be better. To mark its end, I wrote out things in the journal things I learnt in the relationship and ways at which I grew. It was a refreshing feeling, and I was no longer in denial; rather, I was thankful that I didn’t break and my heart was still beautiful.
After unblocking him from all platforms, and we started talking like once in a while, I had to draw boundary lines like “hey bro, you can no longer address me with endearments. Don’t call me sunshine, my first name is good enough”. I used to cry but not as much.
It took me about two years to be completely healed. My friends would ask me, “if he asked you out again, will you give him a yes?”
My response: “I don’t know”.
I really didn’t know. I guess there was still a residue of feelings.
One day, while we were talking, he reacted in a particular manner after I asked him a question. Funny, how it wasn’t negative, but it brought me to the realisation of “oh my! This is not the kind of person I want to be with” and that was all I needed; all residues gone.
I guess I needed to understand what I really needed and wanted in a guy. It was no longer about “he loves the Lord, I developed feelings for him, and so we can work”. The truth is that you can develop feelings for anyone, even the one you actually don’t need to be with. It’s important to set deal-breakers.The truth is that you can develop feelings for anyone, even the one you actually don’t need to be with. It’s important to set deal-breakers. Click To Tweet
I’m so grateful for God’s love that carries us. I’m glad I was patient with myself, I’m glad I was kind to me. I’m so glad I was sensitive to all I was learning. I’m awesome now, like so much that for my current relationship, I was the one who made the first move.
Read next: HOW TO HANDLE A HEARTBREAK AND/OR BREAKUP