A few moments after the previous episode of DAMAGE (Kirk Franklin’s struggle with pornography) went live here on the blog, I got a message from someone I will name Miss J and it read, “Can I tell my own story?”, and of course, that is what DAMAGE series is about, you telling your stories. So here it goes, I must confess it’s a really touching one with loads to learn from.
I was molested by a family member at maybe 7 or 8 years old. As well as a school teacher.
But there was never this child to parent relationship where the child could talk to her mother or father about anything happening to her. All of this happened under the noses of my parents. I also didn’t know anything about the whole sex thing…. No one ever said anything to me. I trusted my uncle to always be good to me, so at first I thought it was OK…. and the molestation continued for about 3 years…till I became a bit older. I guess he realized that I would begin to know or something plus he wasn’t really around after that.
The first I heard about sex was in church, then at school. And when the church and some friends started to talk about virginity, that was when I realized what was being done to me. That’s when I began to withdraw and keep to myself.
We had a family member who came to stay with us when my mum gave birth to our last born. She had already been into a lot of things. I think the same uncle had been doing the same thing with her, but I am not sure. But she decided to do the same with myself and sister (lesbianism), and through her I got introduced to a lot of things.
There was a computer in our house that was being used by this same uncle that molested me. I am naturally inquisitive, so I was just scrolling through all the files and I came upon this video and watched it. That was my first exposure to porn. After that, I would go online and search it out myself…This also led to masturbation.
I started battling with esteem issues, and got into porn and masturbation…I hated men and never wanted to get married.
I always knew about God, but I never really knew him personally…… I mean I hail from a Christian home where we don’t watch secular music on TV. We only watch messages.
I got into a relationship at 15 and we got to the sex part… I told him I wasn’t interested, but some seeds had been sown, so it eventually became a sexual relationship… But what struck me most was that even though I had given him what he wanted, he was my first experience of rape. I just didn’t want to but he forced his way, raping me. I continued with that relationship even after the first occurrence it repeated itself… Then I left.
I got into another relationship and the same thing happened; got raped and I also left. And it almost happened in the third relationship. As at then I was already beginning to form a really bad opinion about sex. I felt it was not a good thing and never wanted to have any man touch me not even in marriage… So I made up my mind that I didn’t want to get married. I refused to get into any form of relationship. Then I began to know God.
Even with knowing God… The porn and masturbation continued because those issues, actually none of the issues were dealt with. I grew in the knowledge of Him, but still kept all of these things to myself. As well as the porn and masturbation.
Then I got into a relationship with a spiritual guy. The relationship went fine for about a year till he started to get physical. I got into that relationship because I was taught about Gods will for marriage…. I forgave the other men and the girl and opened up my mind to a relationship and marriage. I and the spiritual guy (my boyfriend) talked about the issue of sex and decided that it should not happen.
I really couldn’t open up to him. All I could tell him was that I was molested and was raped. I didn’t tell him that I allowed a sexual relationship. It had cost me earlier to even mention any of that to my other boyfriends so keeping mute about it just felt safe.
As we went on he began to demand my body and I was getting very uncomfortable. I would refuse to get romantic with him because I knew what it could lead to. I knew that if I should allow a level of romance I would fall back to where I was. I was trying to build myself; get over my lust and addictions by fully staying away.
The spiritual guy wanted Romans… Kissing….. Sexual stimulations shaa but not sex. Everything apart from sex. Wanted me to spend the night with him…. And actually did because I was just brainwashed by his revelation of grace.
But I have believed in this guy, in fact, he had taken the place of God in my heart and I didn’t realize it until it was late. I believed every of his “Rhema” (scriptural revelations). And he also didn’t want otherwise.
He found a way to convince me that romance without sex was ok. But I would go on for a while, then I would beg him to stop because I was seeing the effects (aftereffects). There was no point starting what you cannot finish. There is no point stirring up sexual feelings when you won’t satisfy it. I will not fully blame him because I kept some things from him….. Like when I allowed sexual relationships, and it was not good that I kept it from him. Probably he wouldn’t have pushed it if he knew.
For some time… He was a spiritual blessing… But when all the physical stuff began I started to pull back into my shell. I started drawing back from God. But funny enough… No one noticed, I know how to put up a show, look good and make my feelings invisible. I was not sure who to talk to because we both had a reputation.
I simply felt condemned. Why should this keep happening was a question in my mind.
Then I was away from him for some time… But was losing my mind already. I wanted to just die…
I couldn’t stand what was happening in the relationship with the spiritual guy… I couldn’t read my bible nor pray to a God that I felt that I was constantly sinning against God intentionally in the guise of grace…
That made me do a lot of crazy things, including cheating on him with the other guy. … And living a dangerous lifestyle…. Staying out late… Keeping the wrong company…. I just wanted my life to end because I didn’t understand why it kept reoccurring.
I didn’t want to have anything to do with God….I didn’t want to commit suicide, but it was a thought nearby. I always wanted something bad to happen and take my life to the extent that I got careless with my life, I would stay out late….I wouldn’t eat, it was just sane craziness.
Then I decided that there was really no point…. I met some other guy and slept with him for about 3 months while still in the relationship with the spiritual guy.
But when you are Gods elect….. No matter how much and how far you stray… He would still leave the 99 other sheep and come looking for you.
This was 4 years after the last rape. In the end, I had to open up to this spiritual guy. Because I had been trying to tell him that things were happening as a result of what was going on between us. I stopped seeing the other guy.
But funny enough, this spiritual guy never accepted his fault. Not even an apology. Didn’t try to really listen to me. Then he ended a long relationship that I had really looked forward to for marriage…He told me that he didn’t hold anything against me, but that even the love he said he had for me, nor God himself wasn’t enough reason to continue the relationship.
I was heartbroken because I had wrapped my life all around him…
While going through all of this God was there with me….
I had sleepless nights…All I could do was cry…And wonder how I could have hurt the one who died for me, how I was capable of straying so far from him and how I could put a man in his place…I cried for my own lost soul. But one night…. As I cried, He put a song in my mouth…
“Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so, little one to him belong, they are weak but He is strong. Yes Jesus loves me…the bible tells me so”.
And that night I slept like a baby, though after that I still kept my distance from God, but I knew that he was with me all the way. He sent people even unknown to them that he was using them…. And they helped to lift me up. I stand today happy, grateful and free. I have found full happiness only in God.
God matters. Nothing else does
Wow. Thank God for his unending love. Men’s love might fail, even the best of men, but His love does not quit.
Yes……As well as my own strength, I found out that I was using my own strength to try to keep myself but when pressure came….. I couldn’t stand.
So how did you come out? Was it just the revelation of God’s love for you or you took some steps?
He died for me….. There is no greater love. I do not deserve anything good from him… He just chose to love me … And He died for me…. My strength failed me, but He became my strength. Man’s love failed me but He became my love. He began to remind me of how it was when he was my only love.
There are no steps or principles that I can take outside of him. The only step I took was to accept his love. And that was all.
In it was the wisdom to keep the right company, to watch what I watch and hear, to stay continually in his loving presence.
How long did your healing process take?
Oh……. It’s still on. I know God is not done with me.
Parents need to be careful and prayerful for their children
Lastly, do you have any points or lessons, or message you will like me to share or conclude the post with? What advice will you really give to people struggling with addictions?
- Trust God…. There is no way you can do it yourself. It would not happen all at once… Sometimes you would fall again, but keep your focus on God. Watch the things you watch. Avoid some movies… Bombard yourself with things that would take your mind off these things.
- Talk to someone who would encourage you and tell you the truth… Not someone who would just lay hands on you and not teach you and guide you…. Watch your company… What do they talk about…? Protect your mind as much as you can but also know that it’s not by your own power… Put your full trust in God.
- Also reach out to other people with the same problems and as you do… You are reaching out to yourself and God would perfect His work.
- Do not be alone in your fight against any of those challenges…. There is a reason why we have brothers and sisters in the faith… But you should also be careful because only God has the final say.
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We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.
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To share your own story, send me a mail here; email@example.com
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Thank you for reading. I’m really looking forward to seeing your comments.