LIFESTYLE

Attempted Suicide and Journey Out Of Depression #MyDamagedStory

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sad girl

My name is Poki (for the sake of anonymity), I’m a medical doctor with a special interest in children, a certified church children teacher, I love to read, write, I have a blog which I haven’t posted in for more than 4 months.

I did my compulsory national youth service at a private hospital in one of the north central states. There wasn’t much to do at my PPA (Place of Primary Assignment)… so I attended lots of medical outreach and church activities too.

Towards the end of my NYSC (National Youth Service Corp). I decided to write primaries (an exam you write if you want to train to become a specialist in the medical profession), I chose paediatrics. I passed the exam at first sitting. I was happy but I didn’t put my mind in using it to work (I had other plans). When I passed I made a call to my guardian who is a paediatrician too, he told me that they had already interviewed people but I shouldn’t worry as he was going to call me if there is space in his workplace.

When I finished NYSC, I started working at a private hospital on a Friday afternoon at work. I got the call to come and start my residency with so much excitement I resumed the following Monday. Special care baby unit (where children between day 1 of life and 28days old are managed in the hospital) was the first ward I worked in. I began to take care of myself less because the ward was so busy there was hardly any time to rest or eat properly plus I began to push myself too hard.

Fast forward to January 2019, I began to feel sick and was given 3 days off duty. When I got back to work, I felt worse at this point I could not eat, numerous weeping spells and looking emaciated. All I could think of was quitting, I had lost interest in the work and life generally. I presented constitutional (non-specific) symptoms at the hospital A and E but nobody thought I was depressed. I was discharged although I did not feel better.

The second day following discharge, I had a weeping spell, wrote a suicide note, and I overdosed on a strong drug. I then closed my eyes to rest in peace. Yes, I almost took my life but…God was just smiling in heaven, saying, ‘Poki, I am not done with you yet’. I didn’t die, his grace kept me, some of my friends suspected by reason of the message I sent to them and they informed others close to me, who also came to visit.

I was given a week to go home, rest and take antidepressants, I also saw a psychiatrist (also was my teacher while I was in med school). When the week was over I felt a little better and I resumed work. The same day I resumed, I was on call…I broke down, I was hysterical, ready to give up and resign.

I was given another 2 weeks off work, I rested, prayed, worshipped (all of these I couldn’t do since the onset of illness) soon I got much better and I resumed back to work..it wasn’t easy..but I got better daily.

I read psalms especially 6, 51, 54 and also positive confessions. One of my big Sis introduced me to the IG page of Jolynne Whittaker, her prophecies that period was specific for me. My appetite improved, cognitively I improved, work became more bearable, I started looking up to God for daily strength.  

Currently, people around me are like they ’girl you are getting fat’ and my reply in Jonathan McReynold’s voice ‘if you’ve been through what I’ve been through, you’ll know exactly what God can do’. Lol.

If you've been through what I've been through, you'll know exactly what God can do Click To Tweet

I am currently in my 4th month of antidepressants therapy, 20th May was exactly 4 months in which I could have died from suicide.

I am currently single, happy and I love my job, I keep learning every day

Looking back now I can boldly say God’s got me covered.

In conclusion, suicide is selfishness. I was not even thinking about the pain I would cause those who loved me. Don’t take your life because you feel like a disappointment.

I felt weak, having fallen sick twice in a job I was less than 3months into, I felt people will think am lazy, incapable, etc hold on to Jesus because he promised to see you through.

Don't take your life because you feel like a disappointment. Click To Tweet

Also, God daily loads us with benefits…good health, finance, etc.

Then talk to someone, it seems hard right, but trust me it helped a great deal. Knowing I had my family, friends support made me move forward.

Then talk to someone, it seems hard right, but trust me it helped a great deal. Knowing I had my family, friends support made me move forward. Click To Tweet

Hannah was depressed, she couldn’t give her husband a son after years of marriage, and her partner had children and will not stop taunting her, she prayed and God answered her, she arose and went home.

My dear, you need to rise from where you are. You are a fighter, remember even if no one seems to love you, Jesus Christ does and will never leave you.

My dear, you need to rise from where you are. You are a fighter, remember even if no one seems to love you, Jesus Christ does and will never leave you. Click To Tweet

I am grateful to lifegiva for this privilege.

God bless y’all

Here Are Few LESSONS To Learn 

  1. Exhaustion is not a synonym for weakness or incapability. When you feel like you have gotten to the end of your strength you don’t need to prove yourself by forcing yourself- Take A Break
  2. Suicide is selfishness, regardless of how worthless you may think you are, people love you. Plus you are valuable to the earth. Suicide is not the perfect answer to your present misery
  3. Talk to someone if you can’t process how you feel. I know that being vulnerable is hard but when you do not share your problem you will not find help. Knowing you have  family, friends support will help you move forward
  4. God cares for you but you can only know when you let Him love you; worship, your bible study, etc are very important both in Good times and Bad times   
  5. Guard your heart- what we hear and see enters our hearts if you must be hearing or seeing anything then it must be edifying, find Social media accounts that speak the right words to you.
  6. Just like your physical body needs some time to heal especially after a breakdown your mind needs time to heal as well, so even when it feels like you are not seeing fast result keep at it
Exhaustion is not a synonym for weakness or incapability. When you feel like you have gotten to the end of your strength you don't need to prove yourself by forcing yourself- Take A Break Click To Tweet

 

Read other True Stories under the Damaged Series here; https://lifegiva.com/tag/damaged/

We all have a story, most of which we are not proud of, but all from which we must have learned a thing or two. Share your story here. Contact me on any of the addresses below. I will be waiting to hear from you.

To share your own story, send me a mail here; mystory@lifegiva.com

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