Today’s episode of DAMAGED is pretty intense and wide. It covers a whole lot of issues; from multiple sexual relationships and molestation to abuse, heartbreak and others as experienced by one person. I implore you to open your minds as you read today’s true story as related by the victim herself. I bet there is a lot to pick from it. Happy reading.
“It all started when I was 11 yrs old. There was this guy in my church who had interest in me. He asked me out and I accepted to be his girlfriend. Barely a year after we started dating, he travelled out of the country. He was always calling after he left and even though I wasn’t serious about it, he informed his parents about us and everyone was expectant that something good would come out of the relationship.
I gained admission into the university 6 years after we started dating and in my 100 level (first semester), I met a guy who was giving me attention and honestly, I enjoyed his company. I never knew my troubles had just begun. We started dating and I began looking for every means to break up with my overseas boyfriend. I would pick up quarrels with him, give him bad attitudes and so on but he wouldn’t let go. Along the line, I lost my virginity to my new boyfriend but it didn’t stop there, he was coming back to ask for more and would force himself on me if I refused. I was so down in my spirit and every effort I made to stop having sex with him didn’t work. He would always say I should respect him because he was the first man I knew and sometimes calls me a BITCH. I was helpless, I couldn’t free myself from him, I couldn’t even pray.
Eventually, I told one of my friends what was happening and she snitched me by broadcasting it to everybody. One day, he came to my room and told me he had been cheating and if I truly wanted to leave him, I should strip myself naked. Right there I stood up to him and told him to get out of my life.
My overseas boyfriend was still pleading for my attention, so I told him everything that happened – how I cheated on him. Although he was disappointed, he still accepted me back. He came home the following year and on one of those nights we were together, he proposed. I accepted reluctantly. I wondered if I loved him enough to marry him . That night he asked for sex and I refused and he said “Do you think I am a fool? How can you refuse to have sex with me? There is nothing to protect afterall“. I eventually gave in and had sex with him. He left few weeks later and we continued our relationship, everyone was happy for us but the quarrels never ended. We were always at loggerheads with each other. I was so tired of the whole thing.
Along the line I met a friend I had known since 100 level. Although he wasn’t a student and didn’t stay in the country, he just came at that time for a short visit, we became close and things started happening between us. Within the space of three months, we had gone so far and suddenly I was fed up of the whole affair and we ended it just like that. After that I was so confused with my life and didn’t know what to do. I told my “fiancé” that I wasn’t interested in the relationship anymore . He was hurt but I had to let go. I cried, prayed and asked God to have mercy on me and give me a divine direction for my life .
While all that happened I was effective in my school fellowship and was also an executive. I was so ashamed of myself and decided to turn a new leaf. As if God has answered my prayers, I came across an ex-president of my fellowship and then we started talking. Along the line he proposed and I was like, “This will definitely be different from the rest because he is a child of God, he should know more about avoiding pre-marital sex”.
We started the relationship and it felt like the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was so happy and I felt fulfilled . I was glad that after my experiences with different guys and the kind of life i lived , I finally got to settle down with a man (A king that will make me his queen and whose royalty is rooted in God). He was always over me, calling day and night, sending text messages of how he can’t wait for us to be together. We had a day for fasting and prayers about our relationship, our future marriage and likewise for bible study. I got acquainted with his parents, siblings and even his extended family members. He even introduced me to his two spiritual fathers. I felt special and so important in his life and thought, “Yes!!! I have found a resting place concerning marriage.“
Then he wanted us to get physical. He said he didn’t see anything wrong with romance since we were not doing the real thing. Of course since I foolishly made him a template for my life and saw everything he said as “always right”, I agreed and we started. He even gave me two books that taught me how to be sexually active and then I became the “dog that went back to its vomit” and the latter was worse than the former.
I got entangled with what I was running from and each time we talked about it and decided we wouldn’t go back to it, we found ourselves back in the act. Our spiritual lives began to run down and our relationship was affected. He stopped picking my calls, stopped sending text messages, stopped calling me his treasure and hedidn’t enjoy my company anymore. I pleaded and asked him what I did but he wouldn’t say anything meaningful. He only said he had a lot of things bothering him. I believed him and told him he could always share his issues with me (after all, we were going to get married….*laughs* ) . Yet he wouldn’t change and he wouldn’t tell me what went wrong. The only excuse he gave me was that he thought I was not being firm in my decision-making because I was still attending my old church . Aaaaaah!!! I thought we would settle that and he would be a little more patient since I would get married and leave the church. He then said he needed time to pray again about the relationship and that he was having second thoughts. He said he knew we would have challenges right from the start and he was confused or rather, in a ” foggy state” . He said we should slow down a bit and told me that I am free to date anyone else . He said he was glad that I would be leaving for NYSC as that would give me the chance to meet other guys, and that ended it all.
Looking back at my life, I cannot but thank God for everything that happened because now I know who I am in HIM. Though I learnt my lessons in a hard and bitter way, I also learnt that my physical qualities, intelligence and every other good thing a woman can possess in life is not enough to keep a man. I need God the most and I have to do things His way if I ever want to succeed in my marital life. Righteousness will always exalt you no matter what other people think.
According to His word, “To be carnally minded is death and to be spiritually minded is life and peace”.
I am happy with the kind of peace I experience now, I have seen what it means to be dirty and not to have rest of mind . But right now, I have found a new kind of peace and I don’t want to let it go. (God give me more grace to hold onto him). I know He has a hope and future for me, so while rejoicing in the hope He has given me, I patiently wait for that MAN (I know not) that he is preparing for me.
You have read it all, and I’m sure you have one or two things to hold on to by now. Let me just emphasis a few.
1. You can always get back up better than you have fallen.
This lady’s experience has shown me that a person is more than his/her past and what they have done. Let me be a bit specific – “Virtue for a lady is not in virginity or not having to have had a previous sexual experience (even putting in mind that some lose their virginity to abuse). True value is in who she/they are now”. So, please don’t let your past and the experiences you don’t have any control over dictate who you are now.
I have heard of people who became sexual tools after being sexually abused once. You are more than your past, get over it. You define who you are now, don’t let any man or woman, boyfriend/girlfriend/ex tell you who you are. Let God e the judge of that, and if God tells you He loves you and you worth so much to Him to the extent of giving His son, then you worth that much.
2. No man is perfect
This is the second time it will be surfacing in the DAMAGED series, where a lady will see a man as ideal and as one who cannot hurt her or do to her what others did …. Trust your man or lady, but have it at the back of your mind that he or she is not God, they are still subject to errors and weaknesses like any other human. They can hurt you, they will hurt you. Thinking they won’t hurt you and putting too much trust in them will shatter your heart in the case of a breakup. And yes, that a man is spiritual doesn’t mean he has his carnal cravings eliminated. The control he has over it depends on how surrendered and in tune with God he his. Don’t be shocked if he demands to get physical with you, and don’t put all the precaution of not falling into sexual temptation on him. You have a part to play as well.
3. Comparing partners.
She cheated on her ex just because a guy was present, giving her more than the boyfriend was, or was able to give what the boyfriend couldn’t. This cannot be sidetracked in relationships – you will always find someone who is finer, smarter, funnier, more caring than your boo. That does not mean they will be better partners than your partner is.Whatever you do, make sure you judge him/her against themselves, i,e their previous best and what you desire from a relationship and not based on another man or lady. I wish I could talk more on this. I just hope you get the point.
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