Young sad black couple.Upset man being ignored by partner at home in the living room.American african men arguing with his stylish girlfriend, who is sitting on sofa couch next to him.Blurred.


I must first state that the intention of this post is to raise discussions and harvest diverse, real and sincere opinion on the issue. Few points and some people experiences will serve as a good premise for the discussion; so I encourage you to read through.

Is it a MUST for intending partners to be concerned about their SEXUAL COMPATIBILITY? 

From my interactions, most people seem to believe that Sexual Compatibility is of utmost importance, except you don’t want to enjoy having sex with your partner in marriage. They feel it’s a primary necessity and shouldn’t be ignored. But these same people seem not to agree on what sexual compatibility really is and how it is meant to be judged.

The first time I gave this question a deep thought was while watching Tyler Perry’s “Temptation-Confession of a Marriage Counsellor” a very good movie I must say.

The rich millionaire, a social media inventor Harley intending to invest in a match-making company asked their Internal Therapist Judith of how they can achieve a close-to-perfect match of partners. She gave him a questionnaire she designed with questions ranging from background, hobbies to past relationships and other aspect of life, but he noticed that there were no questions about sex. He asked if it isn’t it necessary to know if you can enjoy good sex with a partner you intend to spend the rest of your life with before jumping the broom and saying “I Do”.

Judith having been raised from a christian background answered naively that sex before marriage is out of the point. The young millionaire further probed about her sexual life and having realised that she has been with one man all her life but claimed to be compatible with him asked, “how do you know you are compatible if you have nothing to compare it with“, i.e. how will you know that he’s perfect for you if he’s all you ever been with, how would you know that you could have had it any other way else.

Some people are of the opinion that for you to judge if someone will be able to fit and satisfy your sexual appetite, how else would you know other than have sex; pre-marital sex, it’s more like “test driving a car before purchase“, but I sincerely question their motive. Is it really about seeing the performance of the car, or the pleasure of driving the car itself, and it’s not as if that is the first and the last time you’ll ever drive the car until you are ready for a purchase. I mean, do you both have sex to check if you are compatible, then after you’re done and seen that you’re both satisfied will not do it again till after you’re married, that means it wasn’t about test driving the car in the first place.

Here is a pretty funny chat I had with a friend on this issue.

Tee Abraham: What’s ur opinion about “sexual compatibility” wt ur partner, is it smthn to consider or it’s not so primary?

Mr A: It is primaryyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Over primary kill ammmmm

Tee Abraham: lol… Y do u say dt? Y is it primary. Nd what’s sexual compatibility? Den hw do u knw u’re sexually compatible

Mr A: If ur partner can satisfy u in bed
But since Fornication is a sin, U just gon be hopeful

Tee Abraham: M sure u’re talking like ds cos i’m d one on d receiving end, talk like u’ll talk to dse street guys dt dnt care what d bible says.

Mr A: If u nack her na, U wud know if she is lazy or not, and if u can keep up

Tee Abraham: So if she dey lazy, u go just conclude dt she’s not compatible, den move to d next girl?

Mr A: Sometin lik that, If u feel she isn’t good enough for u in bed

Tee Abraham: Look at ds scenario where u’re d novice she’s d pro, every1 definitely started out as a novice

Mr A: Sure
She can teach u

Tee Abraham: Den she’ll be d one dropping u

Mr A: Nah, Men scarce. She no fit. She gats teach u

Tee Abraham: Y can’t u teach d first girl that you dropped. =D

Mr A: Some are just lazy

Tee Abraham: What if she’s still new in d bizness

Mr A: Everything depends how much u like her

Tee Abraham: So u see dt sexual compatibility myt not be d “primary” issue, if u like her very much frm d onset, if she’s naive n lazy but willing to learn wt time u’ll both dey aii, u were never a pro on ur first attempt too now

Mr A: True tho. But sex life dey important oo

Tee Abraham: Lemme paint a picture to u
Imagine u both have never had a prior experience of anythn sexual related, say it’s even ur first kiss at d altar, hw will u knw ur wife is a bad kisser?
Imagine u kiss as terrible as u both are, everyday in 3 month or six month, abeg, u’ll both be pros, same wt sex

Mr A: True tho. But some ppl are slow learners

Tee Abraham: I think God dt said no fornication knew what he meant, he knws hw important sex is, if he thinks it will be an issue he for don allow us to test d waters

Mr A: Very true, Cos u can both teach urselves. [END OF CHAT]

So having sex prior marriage to check for compatibility is more of an excuse to indulge in the act.

Some other friends proposed a better option.

Instead of test-driving, why not do a proper consultation and specification study of the car. Here is what I mean;

Miss B: You have to be sexually attracted to your partner and your partner has to be capable of making you feel horny. He/She must know how to turn you on.

And to support this point, another person said

I think sexual compatibility is about each partner telling each other what they like or doesn’t like“.

Meaning, you don’t have to engage in the act to judge compatibility, if the “sexual attractiveness” (that you see him and you desire to be intimate sexually with him/her) issue is settled, then merely talking about your personal interests and differences could settle the rest.

I sought the opinion of a young married friend and I just had to do a copy and paste of her response.

I can only use myself as an example and a little from what I’ve learnt from others. Well my direct answer is NO. You don’t have to be sexually compatible before courting or getting married. The main reason people feel they should taste is to see whether it’s good isn’t it. But tell me, if you had a taster say in a perfume shop. If you like the perfume do u buy the tester or the boxed up packaged perfume? I actually found that the most exhilarating, powerful, sweet experience once can have between 2 married partners in the area of sex is when both parties are selfless.

It’s down to how selfless you are whereby you are not having sex so as to personally enjoy it but to give your partner a world class experience and vice versa. Think about it, if I go all the way for you, a person who knows how to be thankful would do the same. As my husband is making sure I’m enjoying every tuss and turn I’m making sure as well. Lool. I let you in a bit. Whilst having a good time with my man not so long ago, he got so high with affection that he said ‘babe name it, I’d give u whatever you want.” Now my hubby isn’t one to say things loosely. The look in his eyes was so truthful and genuine. He was so pleased. Think of how God feels when we give him our best praise or honour him with our best. I just laughed cos really that was the reaction I wanted.

I’d have to admit something that it was never so rosey. my husband had some experience before marriage and I didn’t. He always knew that and he never put unnecessary stress on me. I on the other hand put so much pressure on myself. I just thought I could never give him what he wanted. He on his own part just wanted to have a good time . I was so worried and that really frustrated that area of our relationship especially at the beginning of our marriage.

We’ve come along way and until I knew the secret I just shared, we suffered in our sexual life. I found that I was not aroused anymore for him and he felt no need to ask me cos he knew my response. We only noticed how badly it was when our arguments became nonsensical. It was our Bishop who pointed it out and asked the most grinning question…how is your sex life? We then began to understand that our sex life was a holy sacred time in rejuvenating our relationship. It is so holy that God is honoured through it. God derives glory from it because we serve ourselves with humility when we become selfless even in a carnal act. We learnt that sex is never about me but him and vice versa and it is a honour to God not man. So when God put 2 people together he also thinks and considers our sexual nature. He alone knows us and who we’ll become. I would never have thought that I’d enjoy pleasuring my husband as I do today. Patience was all I needed and God knew I would Learn it.

I’m sorry to divert in any way but like I said the question is quiet diverse and I had no one but myself to explain it. Sorry if I also went all PG age 300 on you but the truth sets us free right. Hope my response help and thank u for asking me.

Enough said, this is the point where you make your contributions.

* * *

Thank you for reading. I’m really looking forward to seeing your comments.

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About author


Tolulope Oludapo is a young Christian who lends his voice through the media by sharing practical wisdom for everyday living in the most experiential and simplified fashion. This has fetched him the direct followership of over 30,000 users on his blog, A blog he founded. He loves to write on varying subjects that affect life, faith, relationship...everyday living.
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