“There’s no sin God cannot forgive. His mercies are endless…”
Bla!Blah!Bla! I had heard that a million and one times…and yet, there seemed to be no change in my life.
After the incident with Lekan, I began attending the Word Study meeting. It was awkward because no one there knew me.

Lekan would check on me once in a while and we would sit together. It was so obvious that he liked me, but I wasn’t too sure of myself.
I surrendered my life to Christ that weekend, and I actually thought things would change. But I still found myself being very horny whenever I saw girls in bikini on magazine covers. I still craved sexual pleasure. But this time, I knew I was wrong. I knew I had given my life to Christ….

A Christian isn’t supposed to do this…a Christian isn’t supposed to do that…It felt more or less like Alter-Casting- giving someone a social role and defining them by that. I became tired of obeying all the “rules” of being a Christian.
But I kept on going or Bible Study. Already, I was making friends with “nice” people… People who seemed to love God, and the ones who didn’t, but were searching on how to…like I was.
Anyway, it continued like that till the semester ended. On the departure night, I and Lekan sat together, as usual. As people trooped out of the chapel, he asked me to wait.
“Remi, have you been enjoying your Christian life?”

WHAT! I am so frustrated.

“Oh….yes…Yes, I have, glory to God. I have been seeing God in ways I cannot explain”.
Cheap lie. I could have told him I was struggling big time, and I felt so unclean, and that I kept relapsing into the very thing I wanted to be free from. I kept on seeing images of myself making love to someone, images of him and I… That I was just in a wrong state of mind.
“That’s good”, Lekan replied as he looked intently at me. He could almost eat me if I let him. “So, will you keep coming next semester?”

NO! I am tired. No one understands me…not even you. You people have it all figured out, I don’t. Maybe God doesn’t just like me…

“Yes, I’d love to”, I lied again. “It would be nice to keep coming, keep serving God.”
He held my hand again and looked into my eyes like he knew that I was lying.
“You can always talk to me, Remi. I am always here…”
Always here? If I hear…You are the deputy leader, soon to be the leader of the word study group…
“I know”, I replied as I squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes.

Honestly all this crap about seeing stars in someone’s eyes…I saw NOTHING. I was only horny….isn’t that what love is? And obviously, he was…and he didn’t seem to know that I could see his trousers emerging forward (if you know what I mean) *wink*
Anyway, we went home the next day. Biodun came to pick me. I was so excited to see him.  Really wanted to ask him how medical school was and how he was doing. I noticed he wasn’t as excited as I was, but I didn’t want to push. I would wait till we got home, then I would ask him questions.

As we journeyed home, thoughts began to flood my mind again. I began to wonder….is there really God? Does He really love me? Why do I still struggle with all these sins? Why can’t I just become “pure” like those girls in the word study unit who speak in tongues like it’s their native language? I didn’t deserve Lekan’s love…He wanted me…all of me I hoped… and all I wanted to feel him in me, physically I mean. It was so weird for me. The funny part is, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I only hoped that I wouldn’t burst before I knew I had to let it all out…cos I was dying in silence.

We got home and on entering the sitting room, I was shocked to see a cradle with a baby crying inside. I began to wonder whose baby it was. All of a sudden, a young lady came in. she smiled at Biodun and he smiled back as she went to pick the baby. She sat down and began to breastfeed him. I was trying to understand what was going on…Biodun’s baby? Waoh…
Anyway, I was happy. My brother was a father. Silly assumption but that was the only possibility. I got into my room and began to unpack, and I began to get my questions ready.

How did it happen? When did you find out she was pregnant? Will you still continue to go to school? What is dad saying? What’s the baby’s name? What’s your wife’s name? Questions, questions, and more questions…

Dad and Mum got back from church and I jumped on them like a four-year-old. Dad wasn’t particularly excited to see me, but mum sure hugged me real tight. She asked me how school was and she stroke my hair fondly as usual. “Oluremi, you are not taking care of yourself. Relax this hair now, it’s due…”Mum’s facial expression changed. I looked back and saw the lady with her baby. Mum’s face was filled with tears. She tried to hide it, but I wasn’t so blind was I? I began to wonder why mum was sad…I mean…her son now had a baby. Her grandchild!

Anyway, I guessed mum was just so emotional, so I smiled and held her hand. She looked at me lovingly and smiled. The lady went and greeted Dad. Dad’s expression was…plain. No smile, no frown. He stroked the cheek of the baby and went straight into the room. I didn’t understand…
Rice, Chicken, and Peppersoup… I just loved being at home. I felt honoured that mum did all that for me. We all ate. Even if the table was unusually quiet, I was glad to be home and all. Until something really strange happened…

I was in the parlour watching “Keeping up with the Kardashians”. I could kill to have a body like Kim’s. Unlike her, I had a bulging tummy and heavy thighs. Who would find me attractive enough? Lekan’s thoughts came to my mind but I shoved it away.
As I thought on these things (lol), I heard voices. Dad and Mum didn’t argue much, so I wondered who was shouting at who. I decided to go in. The voices were coming from dad and mum’s room alright.
“Gbemi is my wife as much as you are”

Gbemi…who on earth is Gbemi

“That’s not the point”, mum replied as she sniffed. I wanted to just go back but I was curious about the Gbemi part. “You cheated on me with that little girl…do you know how that makes me feel?”
“I said I was sorry” “It’s too late to be sorry, Lanre. You have another baby. You will have to tell Remi yourself…”
I was shocked to my bones. My legs began to shake like I wanted to pee or puke at the same time. Tears welled up in my eyes…I became really distraught. The lights of their room went off…I guess the argument was over. Everything began to make sense. Dad’s baby.                 I had a new sibling, which was the answer to the unusual silences in the house… It was going to be a dramatic holiday…

 I lay down that night and looked at the ceiling. Really wish I could just have a different life… of drama. I could imagine how hurt mum was…Gbemi was your ideal…tall, slim, hot babe…and mum had so many folds on her tummy…and stretch marks too… I just didn’t understand anymore. Dad and Mum were fervent church goers….and yet; Dad couldn’t keep his “little nice guy” together. I was so sad. So I cried…until I slept off…hoping Saturday would bring a better situation.
I just hoped God was seeing all these…I really hoped.

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Continue to Episode 5 HERE

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Episode 1 HERE

Episode 2 HERE

Episode 3 HERE

Written by Oyinkansola Ige

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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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About author


Tolulope Oludapo is a young Christian who lends his voice through the media by sharing practical wisdom for everyday living in the most experiential and simplified fashion. This has fetched him the direct followership of over 30,000 users on his blog, A blog he founded. He loves to write on varying subjects that affect life, faith, relationship...everyday living.
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