But the holidays didn’t go as I expected.
The tension all over the house was real. I could sense it everywhere. Dad seemed too scared to tell me (He didn’t have an idea that I already knew). Mum was too sad to even sit me down and ask what was going on in my life (I could have made do with some advice here and there).
Brother Biodun was just so…recluse. I wonder why. Was he as sad as I was or was there something more? And Gbemi…Gbemi just distanced herself from me and gave me distant smiles. Oh…I hated her for the pain she brought to my family. How could she? Why did she? She knew he was a married man, and yet… she allowed him…Oh Gosh…
And here I was…struggling with my own dark side. Everything around me was crumbling (so I thought), and my life was just a death away. It felt like I was a moving corpse. Wake up. Bath. Eat. Chat on BBM. Eat. Read a novel. Watch TV. Gossip with the girls. Eat. Clean my room. Pray…sometimes. Sleep. Wake Up. Robotic stuff.
“What are you going to do now?”, Lekan asked me, as we spoke over the phone later that day.
“I don’t know oh”, I replied as my voice shook. Scared, I was so petrified. I needed a real shoulder to cry on, and it seemed like no one was there. Or rather, there was a knowing in my gut that God was listening but I chose not to believe. I just… chose not to believe.
“Remilekun…”, he called. Whenever he called my full name, I knew he was going to say something mushy. So my ears were ready to hear mushy stuff already. “I wish I was there with you..”
*faints*!
“Do you really mean that?” I asked with the curiosity of a child. I mean these days words could be used inappropriately. For instance, someone could say “I Love you” when she really means “I need you to help me do the dishes”, and a guy could say “I love you” when he means “this your figure makes me go ga-ga”. Sometimes, one just has to be sure. So I wanted to be sure… “Yes I do”, Lekan replied as I heard him breathing like a child. I could almost feel his heartbeat. At that point, I wish he were with me.
“Can’t we meet up somewhere?” I asked without thinking about the implications of what I said. All these brothers in the Lord, one cannot easily predict them. Neither can they be trusted. No one can be trusted. I knew that too well.“Yes, we can”, Lekan replied. He sounded excited. I wasn’t excited. I was horny. And it takes God’s grace to tell the difference between your heart and your body…God’s grace…which I didn’t think I had.
We decided there and then to meet at the Ikeja City Mall. At least, being with him would distract me a little, and make me forget all the wahala at home. I began to make preparations almost immediately for a date that was due the next Saturday. I liked Lekan like that 🙂
As I was lying on my bed that night when mum came in abruptly. There were tears in her eyes. She locked the door behind her and came to hug me. I was so confused…I didn’t know whether to hug her back or to pat her back. Anyway, I hugged her and she cried and cried like a baby.
After she finished crying and all, she looked at me intently.
“Remi”, I am at fault as much as your father is…”
“Mum”, I whispered as I held her close. “Don’t blame yourself”.
“Remilekun, marriage is a journey. Don’t rush in…you’ll go through it whichever ways”, she said as she sniffed and catarrh came out from her nose. I gave her my pink handkerchief, and I watched her clean her nose.
“I had always known your dad was having an affair…”, mum said.
“You did?” , I asked with so much shock.
“Yes”, she replied. “I was going to see your dad in his house while we were still dating. One day, I went as usual.” She stopped and looked at me intently again. I knew something was wrong.
“I got into the house”, mum continued, “and I heard sounds from the bathroom”. Her eyes were red again, but I decided not to say anything or hug her. I wanted her to finish her story.
“I was shocked. I…I knew he was going to cheat anyway…all men cheat somehow …”
She continued to sniff. Although I didn’t believe that all men cheat, I chose not to argue with her. Some things are better left unsaid.
“I entered the bathroom…and I saw your dad with another person…”
I told her to stop immediately. I begged her to stop immediately. We both began to cry again.
“Mum”, I called.” Why did you stay?” I asked. “You could have broken up with his sorry ass mum… you deserve a man who will make you happy”
“Remilekun, that’s the thing. I relied so much on him making me happy, that when he made me sad, I had to make sure he made me happy again” Now I see…it is only God who makes happy…”
She got up almost immediately. “Remi, if there is anything you ever want to talk about, I am always here, okay?”
She kissed my forehead and left the room almost immediately.
I lay down on my bed… And I wanted to pray but…the words didn’t just come out.
So I slept.
I was in a tunnel. A deep one. It smelt filthy and full of so much yucky stuff. I was itchy all over and my whole body craved for a bath. I was irritated at myself and could almost kill myself. A man in a black suit came and looked at me from above. “Remi, Remi. You are nothing but a cheap slut…and this tunnel, this right here, is where people like you belong”. He threw stones at me and I began to cry and wail. I began to shout Lekan’s name immediately.
I screamed and screamed and screamed until someone like him surfaced. “Remi, why are you shouting my name?” he asked. “Come and save me”, I replied. He looked at me and began to laugh. As he laughed, he transformed into a figure…half man, half horse. And then he was holding a stick. “I am not here to save you, I am here to take away your faith…everything that makes you breathe”. All of a sudden, I began to feel dizzy, like someone was sucking out my very life. I fainted in the tunnel…and…”
I woke up from sleep. It was just 3 am. The dream felt so real. I was sweating all over. Coincidentally as I looked at myself with my heart beating fast, I got a message from Lekan.
“Love grows with time, Remilekun. And with you, I am willing to take all the time in the world. I am willing to waste my life for you. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. Love, Leks”.
I dropped my phone and I began to cry like a puppy. I felt lost. Confused and blind. I knew the dream was trying to say something, but I wasn’t sure. And I didn’t know what to do.
“I am here”
It came like a flashing voice. Tiny…but I knew a voice when I heard one. And that voice was real.
Since I couldn’t sleep again, I decided to play around with my laptop. I had been hearing gist about a young girl, Jamie Grace who God was using in the gospel ministry. I decided to try out one of her songs. You should try it too. I clicked on it. “COME TO ME”….
“Come to me with your weary….I’ll give you hope when you’re hurting…Rest from your burden”
I knew that had to be me. Because I needed a place to lay my head and cry. I needed to stop thinking about porn. To stop wanting sex so bad. I needed to stop hating and cursing and blaming. I needed…a
“You need me”.
That night I knelt down, and all I could do was cry.
Fortunately, crying was all I needed to do because, after that, I fell asleep.
And the sleep was peaceful. Very peaceful…
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Episode 1 HERE
Episode 2 HERE
Episode 3 HERE
Episode 4 HERE
Written by Oyinkansola Ige
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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE
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