Should a Christian Lady Shoot Her Shot (Initiate a relationship)?

Hey there! I am sure you are so eager to know what there is to say concerning this and more especially from a Christian point of view. Should a Christian Lady Shoot Her Shot?

Firstly, I’d like to say that as believers, we look to the Word for guidance as to how to live (2Tim 3:16); We do not have any other standards.

Secondly, we have the Holy Spirit who guides us into ALL truth. Some folks think that the Holy Spirit only helps in ‘serious’ matters like understanding the Bible, getting good grades. But when it comes to shooting your shots sharply or avoiding Ls, we somehow think that Holy Spirit doesn’t get involved in such matters. How wrong! John 16:13 tells us ALL things…  Romans 8:14 tells us that a mark of sonship is that we are led.

So say: I am led in ALL things!
Say again: I am led even in shooting shots and avoiding Ls.

And no, that doesn’t make you unspiritual. Amen?! 🙂

Now… to today’s discussion…

Should a Christian Lady Shoot Her Shot?

I remember one time, I was in a gathering of young people and this subject came up. Some people almost beat me because of my opinions on it… lol. I didn’t mind though because I knew it wasn’t against scriptures. And I’d share those here. Please feel free to air your opinions too in the comment section below. I’d personally love to read from you… we all can learn from you too.

I sense somebody saying, “Aunty start already!” Lol… just calm down. These preambles are important 🙂

To be honest, this is a very sensitive matter and I trust the Holy Spirit to help me communicate things rightly. So many things concerning relationships/dating – the process before marriage ‘seem’ unclear from the bible. Things are more guided concerning marriage (marriage is to be a model of Christ and the church). So for instance, there is no place in the bible that prohibits women from shooting their shots. We can, however, learn from patterns in the Bible and as guided by the Holy Spirit in us, we’d be fine.

Just in case you are wondering, where I come from, shooting your shots means indicating your interest in a matter. In this context, indicating your interest to go into a romantic relationship with someone.

Many people in the church though tend to set/follow rules concerning these matters that the bible didn’t clearly state. One of such is this matter of shooting the shot. I think that most people are reserved in this matter because the Bible teaches that women be submissive (this in itself is a teaching for another day) And true, the Bible does encourage women to be submissive IN marriage… however, firstly as a believer we are expected to submit one to another. So submission really isn’t a marriage thing. Like I said, this would be a teaching for another day 🙂

Anyways, most church folks interpret this to mean – women should wait for the man to lead and just follow. If he doesn’t lead or say anything, keep waiting for he shall surely come, he shall not tarry. That is not quite right. So you’d see cases of many sisters waiting for this particular brother… they’d wait for so long without saying pim. They’d say absolutely nothing, they’d just keep ‘waiting’. In the end, many have ended up wasting their precious time because they kept waiting for the brother to talk. Now the danger in this is: the brother might be the kind that specializes in wasting people’s time. The same way he calls you to read The Word For Today is the same way He calls Sister Grace and Sister Mercy. So do not assume things and waste your time. Some heartbreaks really are needless.

Do not allow anyone waste your time. You notice a brother coming close, being nice… acting as if he is interested. Assuming that he is interested simply because he acts it is kind of unwise. Ask questions. Yes, ask him questions. “Hey brother, I noticed you have been overly nice and blah blah, I’d like to find out if there is more to this or you are just being nice. Our people say, when the handshake starts to extend to the elbow, we should be concerned..” Anyhow, you do it, just get things right so that you do not waste your time ‘waiting’ for him to talk.

Notice, I have been saying brother. There are a few basic things believers should look for in a spouse. We spoke about it here.
Now when there is a brother around you and he is not saying anything. And you obviously like, don’t just jump and shoot shots.  So assuming you’ve seen this brother, first take your time and pray.

He may be good but that doesn't mean He is for you. Not every good thing is good for you. Share on X

Like I said earlier, we are led by God’s Spirit. If you’ve prayed and you get a go ahead, you’ve got to pray that God shows the guy too. It is not only you that should receive the vision.

What I personally do not encourage is explicitly asking a guy to be in a relationship with you.

Please, again I’d like to state that in this matter like Paul said, I speak as a man, not as though there are direct directives concerning this in the bible.

I’d give you the reasons why I say some though, Some guys might feel as though you are ‘leading’ them in the relationship. From my experience in life and information, I gathered from guys (yes, I did ask a few guys their thoughts) – Guys do not like it. Some feel intimidated, and give in – that sort of sets a tone for the relationship and building on such a foundation can be somehow. I personally do not like the idea of explicitly saying, “Brother, marry me”
Others just walk away even when there was the initial interest because it sends a wrong signal to the guy. I must also state that this has worked well for some couples where the guy just needed a kick-starting – but this is more like an exception to the general rule.

The bible says, he who FINDS a wife. You can assist him in finding but I think that the initiation should come from him. From the samples we see in the bible, I do not know of any case where a woman went to search out a man and asked him to marry her. Remember when I spoke earlier of patterns even though there are no explicit commands.

When you are convinced and brother still hasn’t talked. There are two possibilities.

  1. He doesn’t feel the same about you.
  2. He does feel the same way but has cold feet/is shy/is not sure of your stance.

In both cases, you’d need to know what you are doing so you’d know if he is the one or you should await another.

In case 1, just close the matter. There is no point pursuing someone who doesn’t feel the same about you even when you feel convinced that he is your God-sent. If he doesn’t see it like that, there is nothing you can do.

But in case 2, if you feel he does feel the same way, he may be shy or unsure of what your response would be. And like a friend said when I asked him on the matter, guys would not make a move till they are sure a yes is around the corner, if they don’t see the green light, they will just be roaming around the area, show them the green light and they will drive in.

For many guys, the fear of chopping Ls is the beginning of forever silence. Share on X

Again, where I come from, chopping an L = counting a loss in a matter. This said you can do as Ruth did for Boaz. Ruth positioned herself in such a way that Boaz knew unmistakably that she was available for marriage. He was sure he would not receive a curving or an L. And so, he went ahead with the marriage process.

Ruth did not say, Boaz, marry me and at the same time, She did not remain in her mother-in-law's house. There has to be a balance. Men are also human and sometimes, they need some assurance before speaking to a lady. Share on X

Some people would argue that she did explicitly but we have to take into consideration the cultural context …
Ruth 3:9 (MSG) He said, “And who are you?” She said, “I am Ruth, your maiden; take me under your protecting wing. You’re my close relative, you know, in the circle of covenant redeemers—you do have the right to marry me.”

She made him know who she was and stated that she’d be available if he wanted to take her up according to their culture. I feel that detail came in as a process of introducing here.

Conclusively, there is no set rule against it in the bible but wisdom is profitable to direct. You can give the green light, position yourself, make him know who you are and be available but I personally don’t buy into the explicit asking him to marry you. Solely because it mostly sends the wrong message to guys and it’s either you chop an L or you’d be starting off on a wrong foot.
Ultimately, we are led by the Spirit of God even in this shooting matter

Kindly let me know your thoughts on this. I’d love to have a full view, from the guys and from the ladies.


I’m definitely sure you loved this article. Check out these other awesome relationship articles.

How Financially Stable Should A Man Be Before Marriage?

Marriage – What’s Love Got To Do With It?

About author


Tolulope Oludapo is a young Christian who lends his voice through the media by sharing practical wisdom for everyday living in the most experiential and simplified fashion. This has fetched him the direct followership of over 30,000 users on his blog, A blog he founded. He loves to write on varying subjects that affect life, faith, relationship...everyday living.
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