Christmas In Warri

IMG-20151226-WA004As Mary time don reach wey she go born pikin. She and her bobo con carry themselves go their hometown make them for do Osusu(Tax and census join together). The thing be say, Bros Augustus aka Bros Aj don dey warn people say If dem no want make dem use their eyes see the back of their head, make them halele(rush) come their hometown. As Bros Joe(Joseph) no want carry last, na him carry him bae(Mary) go do the osusu. As dem reach, Bos Joe use that time quickly see him guys wey dem grow from child hood together. As Bos Joe childhood friend, Akpororo see am, him shout say ‘O boy na you land this Mummy Water? Chai, she fine die. Abeg, if na girl una born first, leave am for me,she go grow meet me’. All them AREA(Warri guys) just begin they laugh, some con dey talk say, Shoo, you wan marry your God-Niece? You no dey fear God? Sure say U go fit wait so? No go turn to Solomon Grandy oh. As them still dey yarn na hin, Janet, Mary youngest sister dey rush come meet Joe. As Joe see am, him ask am wetin dey happen. She talk say, ‘Hin be like say, Sister jerrrycan don Kaput.(Water broke). As Joe hear that word, him no know when he begin run like Usian Bolt to fit meet him bae.
As hin reach. na Aunty Lizzy (Elizabeth) begin they para for Joe say ‘Wetin dey work your head sef’ na now wey your pikin want come na you come dey waka like tourist, Or are you a Learner? Joe come reply Aunty Lizzy say, ‘Aunty, Abeg no Provoke oh, I just go hang out small with my guys to fit find out how the Osusu go be’. Aunty Lizzy come tell am say dem don dey wait am (Joe) since, as dem hospital people no see am nor money dem no fit admit her as she(Mary) no be their patient. ay, make them find anoda place wey dem go fit carry Mary go.
As all these nollywood movie dey play before Mary eyes, na Provoke she want provoke oh, but as she con remember say na Holy Pikin she carry, she con Kpom kpi(relax). She no fit put the blame for Joe head because no be him even get the belle in the first place, Anyways All join, because she reason am say na because she want marry Joe na him make Angel Gabriel aka T.D.H. (Tall, Dark and Handsome) come tell am say Holyghost go first run package before her bobo since na only she among other people wey their mind, spirit soul and body still get hymen( real Virgins), others don rotten before them even born them. U trust waffi girls na, dem no dey carry last, patapata na draw. You trust Joe na, as him see say Mary don dey turn to person wey rub Mary Kay powder,(ie turning purple or red) na him quickly find solution.
Him observe say, as Correct Carpenter wey him be, him fit even laminate kpomo with him skills. Quickly hin sandpaper one wood wey dey for their backyard, turn hin sister Akwoche into pillow wrapper and bed clothes. As him finish this, Him tell him self say, At least If him no fit get Bedroom, him go invent hutroom. All join, all na Comfy things.
As the pikin don dey kick like Roberto Carlos, na so dem take light for the whole Warri, them say na Power outage. Anyways, Joe rush go look for Torchlight, as him dey come back him observe say bright light dey shine for the Manger (Hut room) wey him Bae dey. Him first think say na WatchNight men, but him come see say no be dem because soft music dey go on for background, even though him no know where the music dey play from, and watchnight people no sabi sing, na just to dey drink Ogogoro and Sapele water. Mehn, the thing wey him eye see afterwards no be small thing oh. Hmmm. For him mind, ‘I dey Watch una for 3D’.
All the People wey come dey the room dey wear white, with long white bear bear (Beards) like all those ancient Greek people. Even person wey be like Ben carson come there to ensure say this Holy Pikin IQ na correct. As them finish. the specialist wey come do the operation come inject the pikin with one kind vaccine like that. Dem say, na to make him no dey sick sick. You go think say all these action na I hour Hin take abi? Na lie, hin no reach three minutes. Joe come grab the pikin dey smile say, ‘Mary, see him nose, him be like like my own’. Mary come reply say ‘Lol. U wish. Na my nose him carry na’. Joe come tell am say, ‘I think them talk say, two don become one, na mean say, him resemble our two’. Mary laugh con remind am say, ‘And you be want disown the pikin before the young bros show abi?’ Joe tell am say ‘No vex, no be say I no trust you, just that, the story get as him be. As Mary dey romance the pikin, na Joe remember how Him take meet Mary.
Dem attend the same secondary School, him be Ori Okunrin (Head Boy) while Mary na Chapel Prefect. When others go dey eat and give the Forbidden fruit, Mary go just dey for church dey sing and pray. Infact, she come form one club wey dem they call themselves ‘REAL VIRGINS’ no be the kind wey don do all the bad things come dey claim Virginity. These ones na correct Virgins. Infact, most of them be want go Rome so that dem fit become nuns. Well, all that one change when Mary see Bro Joe. Na for Valedictory Service. The Organisers dey do ‘Kiss or Dare’. As hin reach Mary turn to either kiss one boy or leave the only scarf wey her Mama give her, she talk say, I rather die than Kiss. As Bro Joe see say she no go even give some fruit to others to chop. Him just dey observe. As the thing, finish, as a sharp guy, him quickly corner the guy wey get the scarf, talk some kind words and come give am big money. Last last, the gut talk say, him go give Joe the scarf(Linen) only if dem agree say him go do am correct shoe. Joe say ‘No Wahala’ because him being dey learn how to do shoe from one of him guys (Donatus Ehis Co) so that one no be problem. As him collect the scarf, na him rush go meet Mary say him get something to give am. And guess wetin him give Mary? Correct, the Scarf!. Mary just begin dey dance Etigi  as she see the scarf. she come thank Bro Joe. The rest, our fathers say na History.
Many Years later Bro Joe come Propose. Mary agree, but as them want marry, Mary come reveal wetin don happen to her when Angel Gabriel come see her. The thing no make sense for Joe mind, but as correct somebody him say him go call off the wedding but him no go talk why. Him go just blame am on top Boko Haram and Biafra trouble. But, as him sleep one night, Angel Gabriel come rub minds with am say make him no do like that, say na Holy Pikin dey inside Mary belle. Na that time him come decide to marry Mary even if him guys dey feel say Mary don play away match. him sha no send.Him come dey thank God say him follow him mind. Infact, that scarf wey himgive Mary na she use take wrap the pikin. All these things dey play for him head when Caro-him yougest sister come dey shake him body say some Visitors don come oh. Him quickly go check who them be, thinking say na him guys don show. But when him come reach there, him see say na Molla them(Shepherds) wey come resemble Boko Haram. As him b want show him true waffi colour na the Molla them say ‘I hail oh, Bros’. Him sef come Kpom Kpi (relax) as him see say dem sabi wafi slangs.
Dem come dey narrate how them take come. Say them just dey their own when own Angel come dey tell them about this Holy Pikin. Say them go see the pikin wrapped in one kind scarf wey be like swadding cloth. Say as the angels want come go, them come dey sing some kind song wey dey sweet their body, dem(The Shepherd) come think say na EXPERIENCE 10 continuation. Only say, this one pass the number wey dey for EXPERIENCE and these once get Wings. As them dey talk na Aunty Lizzy come show. As she see dem she ask them ‘Na only una waka come? As she talk so everybody begin laugh. Him never too tey wey dem Molla commot wey another set of visitors come show. These ones no be like those Molla them wey be like Boko Haram, these ones be like them Wole Soyinka and Morgan Freeman. Them resemble those wey act Star Wars. Them call them selves The Wise Men
Dem come dey tell Joe and him Bae say them see the Pikin star  and na the star bring them come here. As them talk so na him Aunty Lizzy talk say, ‘I talk am’. I tell una say this pikin bread soft well well. Mary, I no tell you? Remember when I tell you say John(Elizabeth’s Son) when him be dey belle dey practise kickboxing as hin see your pikin, you no believe, you think say na Naija Movie I dey tell you. Now, you don see wetin I be dey tell you’. Dem bring GOLD, Pure Kano Gold,wey no dey wash at all, plus FRANKINCENSE and MYRRH and other mede mede (goodies) join. All these things wey dey happen come make Mary dey observe this holy Pikin. For Her Mind, ‘I am watching you in 3D’.
After eight days, dem circumcise the Pikin, come give am JESUS as name. The Wise Men dem come sleep later that Night. As dem sleep Angel Gabriel wey been visit Mary come tell them say make them no follow the route wey them follow oh, say Boko Haram dey there and say the King, Bros Herod want turn Jesus to burnt offering. The Rest, my Elders, say na History.
As Una don hear the Birth of dis Correct person. Make una sef try accept him teaching so that as the Molla them (Shepherds) enjoy wonderful chorus wey only Heaven fit give, una sef go enjoy.
Thank You.
Merry Keresimesi (Merry Xmas)
Written by: Emmanuel Agunze

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1 Comment

  1. Writing a Story in Pidgin is not as easy as speaking it. This Piece is beautiful because It is hilarious as well as sending the message of the Love of the Gospel that Christ came to Preach and teach.
    Thanks LifeGiva for giving me this opportunity to touch lives in the simplest way I can-via Writing.

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