I sat upright on my bed throughout the night. First, it seemed like a dream that dad was cheating on mum. Even if he seemed a bit distant, I didn’t believe he would cheat. As I sat and wondered what and how things happened and got so bad, a text message came in from Kingsley.
“I see that we need to focus on God in our relationship. We need to get it right with God. I think we got a little bit out of line. I think we should step back and access this relationship”
First, I was confused. What was he trying to say? Was he trying to say he was no longer interested? Or was he trying to tell me that we should not have made out and all? Not like he ever complained when we kissed and all… or was he saying I was a distraction to his spiritual life? I and Kingsley talked about God whenever we could….
Now I could relate…
The uneasiness I would feel anytime we made out…was that the issue?
I wasn’t sure if I should call him, but then again, I had nothing to lose. So I decided to call him.
He sounded so cold. I was getting sad already. Now wasn’t the time I needed any form of drama.
“Kingsley how are you?”
Tears were in my eyes already. I had a feeling he was tired of the relationship. So was I. But I wanted it to work with him. He understood me. He loved God, and I knew he would take care of me and never cheat on me. I didn’t want to leave him, but somehow, I felt it was time to let go and focus on myself.
Come to Me
If the voice was ever more appealing, it was now.
“Kingsley, I don’t understand what you sent to me…”
“Is English that hard to understand?” he cut in. he sounded…caustic and rude. Immediately I cut the phone on him. I began to cry. I wanted it to work with him. Why was it so hard?
My will, not yours
I decided to call him back again.
“Kingsley… please could you explain what you meant?”
“Anike, we need to step aside and analyze where this relationship is headed”
After kissing me and using me to satisfy his sexual pleasures, he dared to tell me this? WasI that irritating to him? I was raving mad and my head was spinning already. First, I lost a role, then my mum had a miscarriage, dad was cheating on her, my sister was so pesty, and now… Kingsley…
It just didn’t make any sense.
“Did I do anything wrong?”
“We need to step back and…”
Kingsley, you can’t always be right!” I snapped angrily
He became overly defensive, as usual. “Everyone has been hinting that, Anike please just let it go.” He began to talk about how he was reading a book and how he felt convicted by the Holy Spirit. He said he didn’t want things to go so wrong before he realized he had to get back in tune with God.
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later” and I hung up the phone before he could even respond.
You know … it’s bad enough that a guy wants to break up. But it’s worse when he can’t just be a man and come out clean with what he wants…. If anyone was going to end it, it had to be me. But I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to.
Talk to Me
As the tears continued to drip, I knelt down. Memories of how I and Kingsley met and the promises we made to each other began to replay and my sobs became even heavier. I remembered when he told me I was the only girl he wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
‘I should never have kissed him, God. Should never have allowed him touch me. Should have been more discerning. I feel like it is my entire fault.’
Then I began to talk out loud to God. Began to tell him how I felt- insecure, used and trashed. I began to tell him how much I loved sex, and how I felt that making out could replace the real deal since I didn’t want to lose my virginity till marriage. Began to cry, because I felt people would say it was my fault that he left- because he’s a good guy and I am …. a babe with issues. I continued to cry until I slept off.
I woke up to a knock on my door. Thought it was mum, so I rushed to the bathroom to rinse my face. On coming out, I saw it was Joke. She had never come to my room before.
“Joke, what’s up?”
She looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“Dad and mum, right?” I asked as I smiled sheepishly.
I sat beside her and hugged her. We cried and cried and cried. I cried because I never ever thought that the issues happening at home could bring I and Joke together. In my mind, I wondered why it took her so long to see that I was in no competition with her.
“Anike, let’s pray for them”, Joke said. I was surprised she brought up prayer. Of course, I knew she enjoyed going for bible studies in school and all, but I didn’t think Joke was a prayer-person. Infact, I didn’t think she was a Christian.
God will not hear you two pretenders. You sinners. You liars and fighters
My heart skipped a beat. I knew that was not the usual Voice.
You better don’t waste your time praying, it probably will not pass the ceiling
I began to cry more. Joke looked at me, like she didn’t understand why my sobs were so heavy. She stretched out her hands and we began to pray.
“Dear God, help our family”
I continued to cry as Joke quoted scripture and asked God on our behalf. Suddenly, I felt a void in my very soul, like I needed to get in tune with God. I realized He was the voice I had been hearing, and I wanted more, even if He didn’t seem real like I hoped He would.
She looked at me, wondering what I was about to say.
“I want to know this God”
She smiled and hugged me again. As we prayed the prayer of salvation, asking God to come into my life and take full control, I felt the strangest kind of peace and joy. Not like it was obvious, but there was that knowing that He had accepted me.
And that was where “finding me” began.
…to be continued, Friday 3rd
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Written by Oyinkansola Ige
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