SHADOWS #1

My struggle with pornography began when I was three.

Mum and Dad would sit in the living room watching movies rated 18. We would sit with them, of course. But whenever it got to a particular “part”, mum would ask I and Biodun to close our eyes, and then open again after 3 minutes or less. I wondered why….and well; my curiosity got the better part of me.

One day, mum travelled, and dad was working late. I and Biodun were at home and we watched a movie. We saw what we were not supposed to see. Although I doubt it affected Biodun (he never talked about it), it awoke strange fires in my body.

At five, I began to imagine myself being fondled by men and even girls. I thought I was a hermaphrodite because I seemed to have those kinds of feelings for both my female friends and for guys who seemed to fit into that role.

I couldn’t talk about it. Mum believed I was a good girl, dad believed in my brains.
But I…. I believed in nothing.

Of course, guys did not seem too attracted to me, for reasons I did not understand. I tried to be nice.  To be a “take home to mama” kind of girl. I wanted a guy to just flirt with me, at least. But…

LIE…no way.

So in secondary school, I gave up waiting for guys and I began to… explore other options…Girls and girls. I became attached to my bunkmate, Eva. She and I began by always touching each other’s fingers and the other delicate parts of our bodies. I enjoyed it…

But it didn’t give me the satisfaction I wanted.
It felt like I was looking for something… for someone…. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t know why. I just knew my body was accepting it, but my soul was crying out for salvation.

Things continued with Eva and I, I met Shade, and then…. It became worse. Shade was fully into the art of lesbianism. We began in full force, and every night, we would switch off the lights of our rooms (lights out) and continue fueling our lustful desires. It was…inappropriate, rushed, unbridled lust, but I loved it…

And yet, I felt so dissatisfied.

The funny thing was no one knew about it. I was an expressive lady. And yet I had so much locked up within me. For fear of being judged, for fear of being ridiculed and ostracized, I decided that my lesbianism, sexual tendencies would remain my little secret. Even Biodun, my sweet brother, knew nothing. He seemed to be taking life easy as he was always immersed in his books. He wanted to be a medical doctor, I….didn’t know what I wanted to be.

Oh, well. The drama began when I got into University. Attending a public university would have been hell for me, so my parents decided I should go to Covenant University.

That University was my freedom place…. And my drama place. It was there that my struggle with lust came to fore,

…. And I knew I needed help….

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Continue to Episode 2 HERE

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Written by Oyinkansola Ige

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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE

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