Dad passed on the following day.
Don’t ask me how I felt.
It is in losing a loved one that see that there indeed is a difference between breathing and living. That someone is breathing is no sign that the person truly lived.
For dad, I don’t think he truly lived. Because he didn’t want to die…He was in tears all through.
Good enough, mum invited the church pastor to come pray for Him. I hoped God would accept him into the kingdom (dad) as he prayed the prayer of confession.
But dad’s death reminded me that I had another chance to get it right and straighten out my priorities. I had another chance…that dad did not have. To repent and to sincerely ask God for help… Mum asked me if I wanted to leave Covenant University, and I said no. I told her I would go back and face Lekan and whoever my past was linked to. Running away would mean that I did not believe that God could use my life to change the lives of others.
The next day, dad was buried and we all cried out our eyes. Most people thought the accident must have cost him his life. I think he died because…. I don’t know…he didn’t just have another chance to re-live.
I saw Lekan, and my anger rose… coincidentally, he came with Sola. I was surprised to see them, so as small chops and tea was going round, I decided to just say hello.
“Hi there”, I said as I walked up to them.
The both smiled at me… like they knew they owed me an apology for different reasons.
“Hey”, Lekan replied as he stood up to hug me. We hugged and all I wanted to do was beat the life out of him for bringing me so much pain. But I remember something that dropped in my heart on the day dad died.
‘No one truly brings you pain…no one brings you joy…life is just a harbinger of all things…ugly and beautiful, joyful and painful. But we must strive to find a balance in these two extremes, and see beauty in the ugliest of situations’
“I am so sorry for everything”, Lekan said, as we walked together, through the pathway of the garden where dad was buried (all these rich people that can afford private cemeteries).
“It’s okay Lekkie, I just wish you had been more open with me…”
“I know,” Lekan replied. “Sola knew I was seeing someone, and that’s why she wasn’t happy that I was seeing you at the same time”.
I didn’t understand why Sola would take it so personal, until Lekan explained to me
“Your dad was the one who helped our parents out by sponsoring our education..”
But I thought they were rich o!
“Dad and Mum had issues with their business, so dad offered to help. I was asked to go to his office to collect our first cheque. On getting there, of course, your dad was pleased to see me. He asked me to sit, as he offered me a glass of whiskey. I accepted it of course, and took it all at once”.
We sat down on a bench and I continued to listen to him.
“Before he gave me the cheque, he asked me if I was in a relationship. I was just about entering CU that time. I told him no. He then began to touch my beards and he sat beside me”
He looked at me with so much…hurt; I knew there had to be more.
“He began to kiss me. I tried to run from his grip, but it seemed so hard. He kissed me forcefully as he began to unzip my trousers. Through all these, he said he would take care of me. When my strength failed, I just allowed him have his way…”
“So, he forced you at first?”
“Many times… When I threatened to leave, he asked me if I wanted to quit schooling too. He threatened to withdraw all forms of benevolence…”
“Oh. My,”, I replied sadly. “So…you just gave in?”
“Yes, I gave in. I knew it was wrong by all standards. I wanted to be normal. To not be attracted to guys…but it got worse when I and your dad went into it full fledge. All of a sudden, it rose desires in me that I never knew were there…”
I was crying now. “What do we do, Lekan?”
“I and Sola have decided to give our lives to Christ..”
Oh that’s good.
“But my parents say they cannot afford my fees, now that our benefactor is dead. So I may have to defer my admission”
Tears welled up my face. “Isn’t there something that can be done?” I asked as I held his hand.
“No…there is nothing that can be done. Its either I get genuine help, or I don’t get any help at all”, Lekan said.
We continued to talk all through. I noticed Sola would glance at us severally. I decided I was going to talk to her later on.
Everyone left the venue in the evening. It was a dark day. The rains didn’t make it even better. But I was grateful that it was all coming to an end. I saw mum and Gbemi sitting together and holding hands.
“Mum…Gbemi, what’s going on?” I asked as I sat down in their middle.
“Nothing”, Mum replied. We just relish being beside each other and all.
“There’s nothing to worry about”, Gbemi replied. “All the things that have happened to us makes me realize how much of God we need in this family”.
Biodun walked in almost immediately. He had been busy stacking chairs and running around, to make sure dad was buried in grand style. Immediately he saw mum, he broke down. Mum ran to hug him. As I heard him cry, I could hear the heartbreak…the pain in his voice. I knew he and dad were not so close, so I guess he needed worthy father figures now.
I got up, so did Gbemi… we all went to hug them.
And we cried…we knew that our tears were not wasted because they were sincere tears, straight from our hearts to God…for mercy and for help with our weaknesses. It could have been worse.
But God gave us what we could bear. We could bare this one…
Things got better the following year. Lekan dropped out of CU and he started working in a building firm. Things got better, as he was able to enroll in UNILAG to study business administration. Luckily, UNILAG allowed him start from 300 level. That was fair enough.
I and Sola became closer. Till today, no one understands what bond we share. We pray together, talk about our struggles together. Struggling with lesbianism taught me that accountability was and is one of the most important characteristics of victorious living. We just have to be accountable to someone…
Mum and Gbemi became more like mother and daughter than rivals. The baby began to grow, such a beautiful baby… and Mum was excited. Till date, they still take their anti-retroviral drugs (thank God for life).
Biodun began to come home more often. Some days we would all sit and listen to Jenzenten Franklin and Francis Chan on Daystar Television. We prayed together, and I knew God heard us, even if it didn’t seem like that most of the time. Biodun and Lekan began a class for guys who were struggling with homosexualism and wanted to get out. It became one of the foremost Christian gatherings in Lagos. The men would pray and read books, they would even spur one another and share their struggles with each other. Little by little, they are getting healed and delivered.
Things got better for me. I got closer to God, and I admitted that God didn’t want me to live as a lesbian, irrespective of what pop-culture said. He wants me to live as His child, His ambassador. I decided to be steadfast in the Word Study group and I also joined the hospitality group. Somehow…God was faithful.
And He is still faithful.
I still struggle. But now it’s better because God would not allow me to have something more than I can bear. I live in victory and in the realization that God…is …FAITHFUL.
I do not usually do this, but I just feel the need to reach out to people who may be struggling with lesbianism or homosexualism. I have a close friend who battles with this and she still does sometimes. Some days, all she wants to do is to just have sex, and that is it. For her, the reason why she is still a virgin is that she doesn’t want to let her husband down….
That’s not the issue for today though.
There is no sin God cannot forgive. NO SIN. But how much are you willing to be set free? Some days, you think you should be the victim of life always. You want to be the one who life is giving heavy blows. So that people can pity you? It doesn’t have to be so.
We have been called to live victorious lives. Victory over sin! Including lust and all its forms. We can. We can do it.
In my personal struggle with lust, I can tell you a lot. I can tell you that some days it’s hard. Other days it’s easy. It takes extra grace for me to turn down requests from male friends when they ask me to come to visit them at home. I am not scared of them. I am scared of me. I know where I struggle. Don’t deceive yourself. Be plain with yourself. Admit it, you are struggling.It is only in the humility of our hearts that we will find God.
I have a book I want to recommend though. “Sex is not the problem, Lust is” by Joshua Harris. It is a worthy read. It helped me when I was going through a tough period last year. I am too sure it will help you too. And you find it hard to move on because you feel cheated, I think “Embrace the pain, release the joy” by Michelle Mckinney Hammond is a worthy read for you. It will help… But there has to be a desire.
Remi, Sola, Lekan and Biodun along with Remi’s father struggled. However, Remi’s father didn’t have another chance to make it right. You do. You are breathing. You are reading this blog. There is another chance NOW. Make it right. Please make it right. No one said life would be easy and free from struggles. But in Christ, we are “more than conquerors”. You don’t have to lose your legs before you realize you need to get it right, It doesn’t have to be wrong to be right. Make it right….NOW.
I could say more, but I’d rather stop here. Thanks for reading. Remember; you don’t have to be ashamed that you are struggling with one form of sin or the other. SIN is SIN. There is no condemnation for us as Christians. NO CONDEMNATION! That’s why Christ came to die for us. To set us free. Don’t let the devil CHEAT you. Open up. And He (God) will fill you up!
Yours In Christ,
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I’m sure it was worth the journey, Share as a comment your greatest lessons from the story as well as how it has bn of help.
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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE
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