The next few days were grueling for me.
I told mum what I saw and… she didn’t seem surprised.
“Remi, this is what I was trying to tell you that day”, she said as she cut the tomatoes while I broke the eggs into a bowl.
“Mum, what’s going to happen now?” I asked as I whisked the eggs and looked at her.
Mum looked really sad. I just wish there was something I could do about it.
There was nothing to pray about, it was a closed case already.
“Mum, do you pray?” I asked as I looked at her face. Mum rinsed her hands and brought out the frying pan.
“Of course I do, Remi. Prayer changes things. It may not look like it in the physical, but trust me God is working the most when we cannot see…”
She began frying the eggs while I looked at her. I wanted to tell her I was struggling, but I didn’t know how to.
“Is there something you want to tell me Remi?” she asked as she looked at me while the eggs were simmering on the low heat fire.
“No…no mum”, I stammered. She looked at me with her piercing eyes. I had a feeling she knew, but I wasn’t too sure.
“Biodun came to me the other day, and he told me he was struggling with masturbation”, Mum said. As calmly as she sounded, she sounded angry still. “So if you need to tell me something, please do. Let’s trash this out in prayer. There is nothing God cannot do”
I am God. Is there anything too hard for Me?
I didn’t think God had a role to play in this. I felt I had to be the one to change. I had to discipline myself. I felt it was going to have to be a self-help effort. What did God have to do with these struggles that seemed to have become hereditary?
“Ma, I struggle with everything,” I said as tears began to fall from my eyes. “I am not perfect ma, I don’t think I am useful, or I am going to be great. I feel like a failure Mum…. I mean girls my age are keeping themselves for their husbands, they find it easy to…but it’s the most difficult thing in the world for me, mum.”
My Mum was crying now.
“Why didn’t you tell me since, Remi?” She asked as she held my hand.
“I didn’t know how to, mum…it seemed like I was the only one”
We sat at the kitchen table as we organized breakfast. Luckily, Gbemi had taken the baby to the clinic so it was just mum and I in the house that day.
“Remi, I had Biodun before I married your father. Grandpa was a pastor and grandma was a deaconess at church. They were banned from the church because I got pregnant, and grandpa sent me out of the house. I had to come stay with your daddy for the main time”, mum said as tears trickled down her face.
I looked intently at her. I couldn’t believe mum had faced so much. If I knew, I would have told her earlier. Sometimes, we open up to people who are willing to open up to us and will not make us ashamed….if only the church was like that.
“Your daddy and I lived together till I had Biodun. In that period, your dad would leave me at home for days and go on his escapades. I would stay at home, crying out my eyes. The doctor advised that I watch it so I don’t lose the baby”.
I was lost. She knew dad was this way and she stayed? Why?
“When I found out he was bisexual and I had to make a decision. I had to either stay or leave. Grandma advised me to do whatever was in my interest. I was tired of the stigma. I didn’t want to be a single mum. Grandpa had been through a lot of ridicule. I had to save his face…so I decided to marry him”, she said with sadness written all over her face.
I remembered a book I read. There was something striking the author said.
“our pasts are like shadows, the consequences are ever following us, from the bud stage to the tree stage”.
I could see the shadows now. Dad and mum made poor choices and the shadows were definitely with us. Coupled with my own shadowy past, I wonder what the world held for my own children.
“Remi”, Mum called as she held my hand. “From this minute, you have to make a decision that you want to either please God or please yourself.”
“Mum, but where do I begin”
“Begin from your heart Remi. There’s no point hiding anything from Him. He knows it all, Remi. And he is not Man. He will forgive you if you ask. You haven’t even talked to Him yet and you’re making conclusions that he will not use you.”
Mum got up immediately. There was this strange peace about her; I couldn’t place a finger on it.
Later that night, I was alone in my room. I continued to look at the ceiling. The urges to open my laptop came strongly. I didn’t want to…I wanted to cry, think and pray for myself.
“Come to me”.
His voice was like that of a thousand clouds. Soft yet strong.
I began to walk towards Him. As I did, I began to see scary shadows all around me. I saw myself, when I and Sola made out, I saw myself when I masturbated, I saw myself when I lied and stole. As I focused on the shadows, I got weaker and weaker and weaker.
“Remilekun, look at me”, He said, with tears in His eyes.
“I am trying Lord”, I replied as the shadows began to develop hands to hold me. I struggled and struggled.
“Use what is in your hand”
I looked at my hand and saw a sword. It was very tiny, but as I used it to scare them away, they went miles away from me. I continued to do that as the shadows scampered away. I cried as I landed in His arms. I felt so…protected that very minute.
“Remilekun, stop trying. Allow Me do this. Allow Me help you”….”allow Me”
And I woke up. Strangely when I woke up, I felt the strangest urge to masturbate again. I began to cry in anger. I knew that things were not meant to be this way. I knew I could be better. I knew God wanted me to be better than how I was. I began to cry…
Because I realized how much I was cheating myself and how much I was denying myself of God’s love.
It was obvious.
I had to let go of the shadows. One by one…
With the shadows out of the way…it would only get better.
I looked beside me, and behold…
It was a brand new Bible…Pink with ruffles and diamonds. I was sure it was mum that got it for me. The Bible. The sword. It was all making sense…
As I continued to think, Mum dashed into my room. Her eyes were red and she looked scattered.
“Your dad just had an accident. Dress up, we need to get to the hospital”, she said as she cried.
And I…I whispered “Lord, help us”
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Episode 1 HERE
Episode 2 HERE
Episode 3 HERE
Episode 4 HERE
Episode 5 HERE
Episode 6 HERE
Episode 7 HERE
Episode 8 HERE
Written by Oyinkansola Ige
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From the author of SHADOWS, read this intriguing story series titled FINDING ME, click HERE
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